


Under Someone Else's Control

by LerDan



Series: The Angel of Death [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, BDSM, Charlie Bradbury & Castiel Friendship, Dom!Castiel, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, General Dark Themes, M/M, Manipulation, Mob Boss Castiel, Multiple Characters Deaths, Non-Consensual Elements, Sub!Dean, even though the participant thinks they agreed to it, mafia related violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2019-09-06 11:29:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 45,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16831735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LerDan/pseuds/LerDan
Summary: Set couple of years after the events of what happened in the first part.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. I'm back :) Please read this before you proceed;
> 
> -You are going to see a different version of Castiel.  
> -This is the last installment of this series.  
> -This story is still WIP. I don't have a set schedule of when I'm going to post the next chapter.  
> -I'm literally writing it through a writer's block.  
> -The chapters are considerably shorter than the first one's.  
> -I don't know how long it's going to be.  
> -Read at your own risk.  
> -Part 2 ISN'T proof-read/BETA'd. So any mistake that has been done is done by me only. If you see something that needs to be changed, please let me know. And be kind while you're at it.  
> -Reviews are welcome.  
> -Enjoy, as always.
> 
> IMPORTANT NOTE: Since I'm not finished with writing it, I know how it's going to end. But I didn't choose a certain tag to place to avoid spoilers. Hence why I chose the "Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings". In description for this, it basically said I can use this to avoid spoilers, and also everything that goes under these tags are included in this one category. So this is the only warning you're going to get for now, until the series is done.
> 
> UPDATE: Decided that it's time to add the spoiler I was avoiding to add from the start. Not that it's as popular as the first one, but, oh well :) I'm writing it for myself.

_The tiny body in his arms was covered in blood._

_There was too so much blood spilling out of her._

_Did they really hold so that much blood in their body?_

_Her eyes snapped open and she looked into his eyes. They were white. Dead._

_“You let me die, Castiel.”_

He woke up with a gasp. His whole body shivering. His bedroom was dark; the only lights in the room was the silver of the half-covered moon as it cascaded through the windows. The pitter and platter of the rain could be heard over his ragged breathing. His hand was shaking as he lifted it to wipe at his brow, to take the sweat off a bit. His T shirt was clinging to his frame from it. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sat up straight.

Castiel was too old for this. He recently turned 60. His body was starting to feel old. And his life was getting harder, the job he had, was starting to get hard for him to carry. He exercised a lot more these days, even taking yoga classes at the insistence of Mrs. Tran. So Castiel had no other choice than to agree. He had never felt fresher after a session.

Now though, when the nights were tough, and it was harder for him to sleep for more than four hours every night, Castiel was reminded of his age. He pushed up from the bed, and made his way out of his bedroom. The house was quiet; it was 5 in the morning after all. Some of the lights were kept on in the hallways, as Castiel easily managed his way down the stairs and to the kitchen for some water.

He grabbed the bottle from the fridge, and as he drank from it, he walked to the windows to look outside. Even if it was still dark out, Castiel could make out the clouds, and they looked angry and heavy. He saw the lightning slash through the clouds, before he heard the deep rumbling of it shaking the ground.

The moon wasn’t visible any more.

Castiel walked outside and leaned against the railing of the ground balcony. The night was chilly and Castiel’s sweaty body wasn’t thanking him for this. He could feel the wind nip at his skin. It was almost too cold to be out, and he was starting to shiver from the cold. Castiel took a steadying deep breath and closed his eyes.

The rain hitting his arms, and part of his face was the best feeling he could feel right now. It was better to hear the thunder and the rain against the ground and his house, than hear a dead child’s screaming. It was better to feel the cold in his bones, than to have her clutch at his face with blood soaked hands.

Castiel opened his eyes just in time to see a big lightening cut through the sky. He pursed his lips, took another deep breath of fresh air through his nose, and then went inside. He dropped the now empty bottle in the bin and walked out of the kitchen.

He wandered around the house a lot lately, having nothing better to do than just that. It wasn’t that he wasn’t busy during the day, even though his work had been cut off a lot lately, since Balthazar has proven himself to be a worthy person to have as his right hand. He simply had more free time these days. He traveled a lot. He recently came back from a trip to Japan from seeing the Trans family. Kevin had gotten married to some young lovely lady years ago, and now they had 2 kids.

Castiel had never wanted to have kids on his own. So long as he could remember it, he wasn’t big on having kids, or family. Even though he was ready to change that mindset for a certain green-eyed man that had been a big part of his life.

Castiel walked into his library and made his way up to the newly added balcony which was close to the ceiling; from where he could see the sky, since the ceiling was covered in glass. He sat on the couch and looked up, to watch the rain drops. He lifted his legs up and placed them on the couch. There was a throw blanket on the couch which he draped on his legs, and then lifted his head to look out the window again.

His hands felt rough and calloused as he twisted his fingers together and placed them over his belly. They weren’t dirty right now, but they felt filthy and Castiel, not for the first time, thought about how anyone ever let him touch them. Let him shake their hands… Even though most of the people he had shaken hands with were on the same line of work as his was.

He swallowed through the sudden thickness in his throat as he remembered who these hands had touched before.

He ran his right hand through his graying hair and got more comfortable on the couch. He stayed there for hours until the thick black clouds turned into a lighter shades of grey. It didn’t stop raining.

* * *

Morning came, and Castiel was still awake.

* * *

Reaching up to the sky, he felt the muscles stretch on his sides. He breathed out slowly through his nose. And then took a deep breath as he bent forward and touched his toes. He closed his eyes, as he let his arms feel loose. He took another breath as he straightened up once again; this time feeling as his spine went through the motion of rearranging itself into an upright position.

He opened his eyes and was greeted by the grey clouds and raging rain that only got worse by the hours of the day. In a way, the day was representing everything he was feeling today. That’s why he was on the matt, bare feet planted firmly at the edge of it. He lifted his arms once again, stretched his back and then went down again, pressed his hands on the matt, and moved his legs back on the matt and into downward facing dog. He held the position for a minute; moving his hips this and that way, stretching his back by pulling his hip and leg down. He felt all the right types of stretching that his muscles went through as he moved around slowly.

Castiel went into a plank position for another minute, breathing through the spasm that his body went through, and then he slowly lowered himself on the matt and then went up into a cobra. He breathed through the stretch, his face looking up at the ceiling, his eyes close as he stopped thinking altogether.

This is what he wanted to achieve today. To not think at all. To let it all, go. The tiredness, the soreness from almost no sleep at all. He relaxed back down on the matt and then pushed himself up on his hands and knees. He wiggled a bit to get more comfortable, before he pushed back down on his heels into baby pose, leaving his arms stretched out in front of him. After years of practice and patience, he could fully achieve this position without feeling like he was being suffocated by his own body and breathe that fanned up from the matt.

He slowly pushed himself up to sit on his knees, placed his hands in his lap and opened his eyes to stare blankly at the sky in front of him. The thunder cut through the sky in series of big bursts of lights. And then few seconds later he felt the vibrating answers of the lights. Castiel swiveled around and lay down on the matt for Shavasana.

And this was probably the hardest part for him.

He could bend his body this and that way. Breathe through the pain and the stretch and the hard positions. Hold his body up on almost quivering arms and legs. Do a headstand, fail, and fall hard on the ground and not feel the pain in his body. But this, when it came to laying still and let his body and mind relax further… He couldn’t stop the assault of pain, and guilt, and heartbreak wash over his body and mind. His face felt tight, instead of being relaxed. His hands balled into fists, instead of laying down flat on the ground. His body was tight with tension, instead of being lax.

He went through the motion, of trying to relax and not think, and just…

Castiel sat up abruptly. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe.

He clawed at his neck and tried to… He didn’t know what he was trying to do anymore. He just knew that he needed to relax and just take a deep breath. And then they came. The memories. The first time he had a panic attack and there were hands on him and there were worried green eyes staring at him. The eyes that belonged to a beautiful face, and an equally beautiful man. The lips that shaped the words _“you’re doing great”_ and _“you’re fine”_ and _“just keep breathing for me”_.

_For me._

For me.

But he wasn’t here anymore. Was he? Who was he supposed to breathe for?

Castiel didn’t know. He didn’t know why he kept breathing. Why he attempted anything these days. He just had this knee-jerk reaction to open his lips and heave in great gulps of air and just… breathe. He bent his knees, and curled in on himself. Castiel pressed his forehead to his knees and closed his eyes, and he simply… gave up. He was exhausted. From all of this. From living. From trying to get a better mental health. From trying to not let the memories assault him every time after a successful yoga practice.

He was just done. 

* * *

There was another breach in one of Castiel’s vault. He went through the calculations of what he had, originally, and what was left in there. There was a noticeable amount of money missing this time. His money was being stolen from him for the last couple of months and he had asked his men to keep a close eye on this for the next breach. And today, he hoped they’d catch whoever it was that was stealing from him.

It didn’t take long, however, for them to catch that person. A week later, he got a text on his phone telling him they got the hacker whose name was Charlie Bradbury.They kept this person in their warehouse. So Castiel started to get ready to leave. There was a knock on the door when he finished buttoning up his black shirt and called in to whoever was outside the door. Balthazar poked his head in and then his body followed him in as he walked to where Castiel was now tying up his tie.

“Someone’s funeral?” Balthazar said, with a teasing tone of voice. Castiel rolled his eyes at him.

“What do you want?” he asked instead, ignoring the jab at his choice of clothe wear. He was, indeed, in all black. And he did look like he was getting ready for someone’s funeral. Knowing how the evening was going to pan out already, he was sure that someone was going to die.

“We got Charlie at the warehouse,” Balthazar said. “Ready to head out in 10.”

Castiel nodded and got his black tie on next. He grabbed his suit jacket and wore it, while Balthazar took out his coat from the wardrobe. Castiel stood there as he dropped it on his shoulders and together, they got out of the bedroom. It was starting to rain again as Castiel made his way to his car and got behind the wheel. He didn’t wait for his men to get inside their cars as he pushed his leg down on the gas and he flew out of his front yard.

They made it to the warehouse, and it was still raining out. Castiel wondered if it was going to stop raining any time today, when he slowed his car down and then stopped once he was safely inside the warehouse. He got out of the car and made his way to the 3 men surrounding a chair that held Charlie on. They had a petite body and they were slung low on the chair a bit. They were wearing a baggy Warcraft T shirt with ripped jeans. They also had a sack over their head so Castiel didn’t see their face.

This person had been stealing from Castiel for months now. And it took them a while to find out exactly where the person was hacking from, breaching into Castiel’s vault and nicking out money that soon made a reasonably wide dent in the same vault that Castiel couldn’t ignore any more. Now that they were here, Castiel needed some answers.

“Here,” Balthazar gave him his gun. Castiel took the gun and looked at the person in front of him. Even though he wanted to get his answers, at the same time, he needed to get this over with. He suddenly felt very tired. So, he clocked the rifle and lifted his hand. He pointed the gun at the head and he was about to pull the trigger, when the person made a noise that made Castiel hesitate.

“What did you just say?” he asked, frowning slightly at the person.

“Please,” came the muffled _female_ voice. “Please, don’t kill me. I’ll do anything. I swear. I’ll do anything. Just please.”

Something didn’t feel right about this person. There was something nagging at the back of his head. Castiel took a step forward, and then some more, until he was standing close to where Charlie was. Slowly, he lifted his hand up and got the sack off from the head. His face cleared and his whole body filled with dread. Her hair was pulled up from her face, and her eyes looked puffy and red rimmed, she had been crying nonstop it seemed.

“Please don’t kill me,” she sobbed openly. She shivered, from cold and fear, and Castiel felt like he was going to get sick.

“Untie her,” Castiel said, his left hand starting to shake. His men looked at each other warily, before Castiel snapped at them. “Untie her!” he roared and one of them jumped and untied her quickly.

“I’m sorry,” Charlie sobbed as Castiel crouched in front of her. She flinched slightly, getting her arms close to her chest, her eyes trained down at Castiel’s hand, where he was still holding the gun. He quickly held up both of his hands and gave the gun to the person closest to him.

“I’m not gonna hurt you,” he said softly, “not anymore.”

“I’m sorry,” she said again, but Castiel shook his head.

“Here,” Castiel said, as he took off his coat and draped it over her shaking shoulders. She hiccupped and looked at Castiel in mild surprised, before she looked down. “You’re Dean’s Charlie, aren’t you?” he asked, his voice soft. Charlie sniffed again, and looked at him. Slowly, she nodded. Castiel nodded back and said, “I remember seeing you at the garage.”

“Yeah,” Charlie said, nodding again, her lower lip wobbling. Castiel’s heart clenched at that.

“Why did you steal from me?” he asked bluntly. “Was it because of what happened?”

“No,” she said shaking her head, her voice breaking, and fresh wave of tears rolled down her cheeks. “No, it’s not that. At all.”

“Then what is it?” he asked gently.

She took a steadying breath, Castiel noticed, as she tried to compose herself some more. “I… When Bobby died few years ago, and Dean wasn’t around to keep the garage running, I was unemployed.” Hearing his name made Castiel feel a bit lightheaded for a moment. “But I couldn’t find anywhere that would hire me. And I needed the money.”

“What happened?”

“It’s… It’s my mom,” she said, her eyes closing for a bit, her shoulders shaking from crying. “She’s sick, and she needs money for treatment. And I’m good at hacking, I never get caught. I’ve been hacking a lot of people. I didn’t… I didn’t think that I would get caught. But I was unlucky with you, I guess.”

“I’m sorry about your mom,” Castiel said with a slight frown. “You could’ve came to me and I would’ve helped.”

Charlie shrugged and said, “I don’t know you, and you don’t know me. And what happened between you and Dean… I didn’t think I could just come up to you and…”

“Nevertheless, it would’ve been a smarter move than this.”

“I get it now,” she said with a slight eye roll. They were quiet for a moment, Charlie sniffling and rubbing her hand over her eyes, and Castiel staring at her thoughtfully. And then;

“How much?”

“Huh?”

“How much more do you need?” Castiel asked with a raised eyebrow.

“What do you-no. Mr. Novak, I can’t. I can’t do that,” she said, a slight edge to her voice now.

“Why not?” Castiel asked, frowning slightly. “You need help. I’m offering to help. Instead of stealing from me.”

“I can’t accept that.”

“Charlie,” Castiel said. “You… I will do this whether you like it or not. You’re lucky that it was me who caught you. Somebody else, wouldn’t have been this generous with you. Trust me.” He put a heavy emphasis on the words he spoke so she’d get it. Few seconds later, her eyes widened as she understood what he was saying.

“Okay,” she squeaked out, nodding her head vigorously. “Not like you were going to do exactly that, but yeah, okay. I get it. Okay.” Castiel nodded, and stood up. He offered his hand to her and she grabbed it, Castiel pulling her up to stand. Castiel jerked in surprise as she wrapped her arms around him in a hug, and squeezed him close. Castiel patted her back and they pulled back few seconds later.

“Take my phone number,” Castiel said holding his hand out for his card. Balthazar placed one in his hand, with a look that Castiel completely ignored. “Text me the amount you’ll need and your account number. Personal account number,” Charlie gave him a nervous smile, nodding. “I’ll send it out the second you’ll write me.”

“I really can’t ask you for this,” Charlie said, looking down at the card in her hands.

“You can and you will,” he replied firmly. “I don’t care how much money that will be. I will give it to you. Okay? So don’t make it sound like it’s a small amount. I’m sure you have more bills to pay than the actual amount you’ve been thinking of writing me.”

“How did you…” she shook her head. “I’m not even gonna ask. Fine. I will text you tomorrow when I calculate everything.”

“Good,” he turned slightly to the side and snapped his fingers. One of his men came up to him and Castiel slapped him on the shoulder. “Arnold will take you where you want now.”

“I can’t thank you enough for this,” Charlie said, shaking her head again.

“You’re welcome.”

She gave him a smile, and seemed like she wanted to say something else, but then she shook her head. She wanted to give him Castiel back his coat, but he shook his head and told her to keep it. She gave him a small smile, and walked to the car that was already waiting for her.

“You do know this will surface, right?” Balthazar asked him as the cars pulled away. Castiel shrugged in a way of answer. He walked to his car, got inside, and drove out of the warehouse. People had always frowned at the way he ran his business, but he felt too good about it to even give a fuck about what they really thought of it. He ran a hand through his hair and did everything in his power to not think about a certain green eyed man. He failed at it the moment he stopped at the red light and looked around himself.

There was a car beside him. The windows were see-through, and that gave Castiel an opportunity to check out the driver. The guy didn’t look like him exactly, but he still had green eyes and young face. His eyes were hooded as he stared at Castiel’s car. He licked his lips slowly. Castiel was glad that his car’s windows were tinted, so that the guy wouldn’t be able to know who was ogling at him.

The guy suddenly thumped his head back on the seat, closed his eyes and gripped the wheel tightly in his hand. His lips opened up in a silent gasp, and Castiel frowned, his hold on the wheel tightening. Few seconds later, a guy sat back on the seat next to him and ran the back of his hand over his mouth. Castiel raised his eyebrows as he realized just what he witnessed, and then seconds later, the guy pressed down on the gas and drove off. Castiel sighed and shook his head. He pressed on the car with more force than it was necessary and he was off like a rocket, heading home.

* * *

“It’s just getting worse,” Castiel said, as he held his phone to his ear. He covered his eyes with his other hand, and his head was slightly bent down. He was on the phone with his sister again. Lately, he’d been speaking to her a lot more than before. Which, considering that she was the only sister he had left, by blood, it was better if he were close to her. God only knew how long he had left to live.

“How long has it been since you last heard from him?” she had asked, while murmuring encouragement to her five-year-old twin girls. It made Castiel smile a little as he heard her speak to them. He had met them this summer when he went to Spain to close a deal with one of the families there. He loved the girls with everything he had, and the girls loved him back equally. They always loved it when uncle Castiel came to visit them. And just now, before they had to eat, they had spoken to him on the phone. They spoke in Spanish more, than they did in English, but it didn’t bother Castiel much since he was fluent in the language.

“Have I told you how much I like hearing you being a mother?” Castiel said, and heard the answering laugh from Anna. It was always great listening to hear her laugh like this. Castiel was really happy for his sister and her family. She did deserve the best, and Emilio was the best person she could’ve married to.

“Only about ten thousand times,” she said into the phone. There was a rustle and the telltale sound of the kids leaving the table. “All finished,” she said, sounding a bit exhausted. And it was morning by them, while it was 3 am by Castiel.

“Do you have to go?” Castiel asked, looking down at his watch as he asked.

“Not in the next 10 minutes,” she replied. “So, what are you going to do about this whole thing?”

“What do you mean?”

“You told me you’re not getting better, and it’s getting worse. Don’t you think you’re going to have to, I don’t know, actually make contact with him?” she made is sound so easy. As if Castiel could just pick up the phone and call him.

“No,” Castiel said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “No. I can’t…. I can’t do that. You know that I can’t, Anna.”

“Cas-“

“He made it perfectly clear where he stood regarding this whole…thing.”

“Castiel,” Anna said again, suddenly sounding a lot older than she actually was. “I’m positive that he would talk to you. I’m positive, if you were to call him, and just talk to him, he would listen. It’s been… how long has it been, Castiel?”

“I don’t know,” Castiel lied.

“Don’t lie to me. I know you kn-“

“It’s been 7 years.”

There was silence at the other end of the phone. Castiel swallowed as he dropped down his hand from his face. His hand was shaking. He clenched his hand into a fist and then unclenched it, trying to stop it from shaking. It was always his left hand that shook these days. He wondered why it was…

“Seven years. _Seven years_ , Castiel,” She breathed into the phone and Castiel swallowed. “Don’t you think it’s time for you to make contact again? I’m positive he’ll talk. He’ll answer-“

“He doesn’t want to have any contact with me, Anna,” Castiel said, his voice hard around the edges. “He said so himself, all those years ago-“

“ _-years, Castiel, years-_ “

“-and I’m not about to break his trust like this. Not now. Not ever,” there was a finality to the way he spoke those words. He could detect the way she pulled in a sharp breath through her lips, and let it fall out of her mouth in a sharp exhale.

“ _Брат, это не разумно_ ( _Brother, this isn't sane_ ),” Anna murmured to him.

Castiel shook his head and frowned down at the ground. He knew that it wasn’t sane. But he couldn’t do anything about it, now, could he? So he said nothing, and cleared his throat, and changed the subject back to the girls. She answered to his questions of course, trying to sound cheerful as best as she could, but there was something in her voice.

When they were done with the call and Castiel nursed a whiskey in his office, Castiel realized that it had been disappointment. He knew why she had sounded like that. Castiel sighed through his nose, and drunk the rest of his whiskey in one gulp. And then poured himself another glass.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Is the city on fire?” murmured Castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta read. If you see anything that is not correct, please point it out to me and I will fix it as soon as possible. Thank you for your patience.

_He stirred and groaned as he woke up to the soft lips on his skin. There was a huff of breath at the back of his neck, and a tongue lapping at sweat there. It had been a hot summer day, and they had an amazing night last night. The atmosphere smelled of sweat and passionate sex, and neither of them seemed to mind._

_“Morning,” growled a voice close to his ear, nipping at his earlobe, and making him shiver._

_“Mmm…” Castiel groaned, exposing his neck a bit, to chase the lips that were close to the back of his neck. He moved his body, sighing through his nose, stretching out his legs and then back, turning his face down to the mattress now._

_“You’re such a grumpy person in the morning,” the voice whispered close to his ear and Castiel shivered from the breath that his skin had become so familiar with. His fingers tightened in the sheets as he felt a warm nose touch the back of his neck for a second, before it glided down his back._

_Castiel moved when a hand touched his waist and turned him on his back. His eyes were a bit blurry but he stifled a groan as a warm mouth wrapped up around his hardened dick. Castiel closed his eyes as he started to be sucked as if his life depended on it. Castiel’s back arched as he moved his hands down and gripped the short hair in his hands. He was getting close to coming, and few bobs of the head found Castiel gasping for breath as he spilled his load into his partner’s throat._

_And when Castiel opened his eyes, there was nothing._

With a jolt Castiel woke up. His eyes snapped open and he blinked couple of times, his vision blurry. It took him a moment to realize that he had started silently crying. It was raining out and the sound of it was soothing to his nerves, but at the same time… At the same time Castiel was gasping for breath. His eyes squeezed shut, and his lips pursed, as a sob wrecked his body and he placed a hand over his eyes, trying to rein his feelings in.

The dreams never let up. The dreams never stopped. The dreams were memories he had shared with the one and only Dean Winchester.

* * *

Castiel usually spent his time in the greenhouse. He had hired gardeners, of course, to take care of the plants and the trees on the ground. But there is a small corner at the front where Castiel kept his flowers.

An orchid flower in the pot needed his attention today, so he had been working on that for a few hours.

It took him few months of walking around with one of his gardeners and them telling him all about what they did and how to do right with nature. Castiel was a quick learner, so he picked up on it pretty fast. Few years later, he started to grow his own flowers. It was pretty soothing and it made his head clearer.

He needed that this afternoon.

In a few hours he had an important meeting to attend to with the Germans to close a deal. Castiel had thought that the man would want to just meet in one of his warehouses, but the fucker had otherplans so they had to have dinner at one of the most expensive restaurants in Manhattan. It was called _Masa_. Castiel had no idea how this man managed to get a seat reservation for them there, but dinner was at 7.

It wasn’t even a big deal. It was just another heap of incoming drugs that Castiel had to agree to let into his city. That was it. Castiel sighed and placed the syringe down beside the pot. It was already starting to look a bit better than she did yesterday. Smiling softly to himself, he stood up from his stool, grabbed the pot and placed it at its right place.

“Sir?” one of his new recruits came in, looking nervous. They all knew not to disturb Castiel when he worked in here.

“Is the city on fire?” Castiel murmured, looking at the cactus in front of him, letting out a pleased sound at the good progress it was making.

“No, sir. You-“

“There better be a life threatening situation happening outside this greenhouse for you to just show up like this in here and disturb me,” Castiel kept his sound low. He approached the roses; they were blossoming beautifully.

“No, sir. Well, not right now sir.”

“Get on with it,” Castiel said, trying not to sound impatient.

“There is a girl in here to see you.”

“A girl?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Does this girl have a name?”

“Sorry, sir. Her name’s Charlie Bra-“

“Let her in,” Castiel straightened up and turned around to look at the guy. He really was too young to be in this business, but he needed the job in order to take care of his family. Castiel, being too kindhearted, decided to let him in. He just kept him out of the crossfire, for now. His name was Alfie, and he just turned 18. His eyes were wide and innocent, and his boy-ish features were irresistible. Castiel was a sucker for pretty faces.

He also reminded him of Samandriel. No one was allowed to talk about that.

Alfie stared back at Castiel for a few seconds, before nodding and going back inside to get Charlie. Castiel took off his gloves and the apron from around his waist. He ran his hands over his shirt to get it straightened slightly, when the door pulled open and Charlie came in. Her hair was down in slight curls, wearing a t-shirt that had some sort of a video game character on. She had a green jacket on top of that and a small smile on her tired face.

“Good afternoon,” said Castiel as he approached her to grab her hand in a handshake.

“Afternoon,” she replied, “Thank you for agreeing to see me.”

“Not a problem,” Castiel said. “How have you been?”

“I’m okay, I guess, all things considered,” she replied with a small shrug and a smile. “How are you?”

“I’m alright. What brings you here?”

“I just-I wanted to thank you for your help, the other day? It helped me a lot, and took off some of the pressure from my back.”

“Anytime,” Castiel smiled softly at her, shaking his head. “I was happy to help.”

She nodded and looked down on the ground. “Hey, can I ask you a favor?”

“Of course,” Castiel quickly agreed, sitting down on the stool close to him. She seemed hesitant and nervous. She took some time to form her words, but then she said;

“Could you-could you talk to him?”

His face shut off. Inside, there was a tidal wave of the ocean that he didn’t let himself feel for years. He looked down at his hands, took a deep breath, and said, “No.”

“I wasn’t truthful with you last time I was here,” she rushed to say. “I didn’t say what was wrong.”

“Charlie,” his voice was a warning in and on itself. This usually made his men freeze on their tracks, but she completely ignored him.

“Please, just listen,” Charlie said, but Castiel couldn’t look at her. “He is not… He is making bad, _bad_ decisions again, and he hasn’t seen Sam for… God, I don’t even know how long now. And Mark is all grown up now, and Lucy’s going to be 2 soon. And she probably doesn’t even know that she has the coolest uncle anyone could ever ask for. I have tried talking to him, but he doesn’t listen.”

Castiel looked at her. Her young face was lined with worry lines and she looked tired, and stressed. Castiel felt for her and he understood her, so maybe it was why he found himself blurting out, “He won’t talk to me. He told me not to talk to him all those years ago. I’m not going to-I won’t talk to him. I won’t break that promise.”

“You’re more stubborn than I thought you’d be,” she said with a frustrated sigh. She closed her eyes and shook her. “This was a stupid thing to do. I’m sorry I wasted your time.”

She turned to leave, and Castiel didn’t stop her.

The second the door was closed after her, Castiel took out his phone and texted Balthazar, asking him to come to him ASAP. He got the confirmation 10 seconds later, as Castiel made his way inside the house and to his office. He poured himself two fingers of whiskey and drank it straight up, his chest warming up as he drowned the glass. He was pouring another shot when the door opened and Balthazar walked in.

He looked a bit ruffled and Castiel didn’t want to ask what he had been up to, since he could clearly see it. His lips curled up and he grimaced at him, but Balthazar just gave him a cocky smile. Castiel took a sip of his drink and asked.

“What do you have on Dean?”

“Nothing,” the reply came too quickly for Castiel’s liking, and he knew Balthazar was lying. Castiel glared at him, before he sighed and said, “I know you told me _not_ to keep an eye on him, but… knowing _you_ , I've had him followed by my men for some time.”

“Was there any strange activities that I needed to be alert for?”

Balthazar frowned and tilted his head to the side, “Uhm, no? Not really. He is… nothing. Really. Just the usual stuff. You know, where he is, what he is up to, and whatnot.”

“Balthazar,” Castiel placed his glass down on the table a bit too roughly. He took few steps forward and Balthazar straightened up. “What is there that you are not telling me?”

“Nothing you should be worried about,” Balthazar replied with raised eyebrows.

“Fucking tell me,” Castiel growled at him.

Balthazar stared at him for a moment before he sighed. “Ah, shit.” He walked to the bar and poured himself a tumblr of rom. He took a sip from his drink and said, “He’s back to the scene.”

Castiel’s blood ran cold. His limbs turned numb and his face cleared of all emotions. “What.”

“He’s been back at it for about three years now. He kept it pretty down on the low, so we couldn’t really find him where he went to most of the time,” Balthazar explained, as Castiel still stayed silent. “But a few of the insiders told my men that he had been showing up at the clubs regularly.” Balthazar seemed to hesitate for a second, before he swallowed, probably seeing something on Castiel’s face that made him made up his mind, as he said, “He is using too.”

“Using.”

“Drugs and heroine, and such.”

“Drugs,” Castiel couldn’t seem to form words. “I don’t understand.”

“We are trying to find out who he is getting his stuff from,” Balthazar said, and Castiel blinked at him. He really didn’t know what to say. On one hand he was glad that his men were smart enough to keep an eye out on him, on another hand; Dean Winchester was back to the scene, and he was using.

Dean Winchester never got high.

Or had that been a lie to satisfy Castiel’s needs to be the perfect sub?

A horrible thought occurred to him; was he the reason that Dean started to use? If that were the truth…

He turned around from Balthazar and walked to the window, to look outside. The sky was starting to grey again. It was going to rain soon. Biting down on his lower lip, he tried to school his features and his voice as he asked Balthazar to find out more about this situation.

“I need details. Specific details. Where he goes what he eats, who he sees, who he looks at. Where he fucking lives. I need to know everything at exact minute of the day,” he said, barely controlling his anger. “I need to learn his pattern.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now, get out of my sight.”

He waited till he heard the door was shut before he turned around and upturned his desk; sculptures and his open notebook and important files all hit the ground. The papers scattered around and the sculptures got smashed and his notebook cracked in half. His anger was palpable. He could feel it go through his body in waves. His hands were shaking so badly; he clenched them into fists and took steadying breaths. His chest rattled with the unsteady rhythm of the action. Ironic, really, when he had to go and close a deal with the Germans for drugs. His eyes blurred and all he could do was stand there, breathe in and out of his mouth, to keep himself grounded.

There was nothing else to do but wait for the news.

* * *

His navy suit was clinging to his body as if it was made out of his own skin. The stiffness to the fabric made itself known to him as he moved across the floor to where he could see them sitting. He could feel the eyes of the restaurant’s patrons on him, and his back, as he walked and didn’t spare them a second glance.

He knew that most of these people were Germans. He didn’t feel threatened by them, though. Since he knew that this deal was something they needed in order to get more clientele. They better know what they were talking about because Castiel had 0 patience right now and his mind was preoccupied by the thoughts of his former lover.

He just wanted to get this over with and go back home and take care of this before it would get too out of hand.

When Castiel got close to the table the party all stood up and nodded at him. He paid them no mind as he sat opposite a young man. His name was Aaron Bass, and he seemed and looked like an idiot, who didn’t know what he was doing in the adult world. Castiel still wondered why the guy’s father thought that this was something his son was made up for, but Castiel had no experience in parenting so he wouldn’t know how parents did, you know, _parenting_.

He sighed internally, but he was careful with how his face stayed in a neutral position.

“Hey, Mr. Novak,” he said, and there was little to no accent to his voice. The guy was born and raised in New Jersey, so of course he had no accent. Castiel rolled his eyes at himself.

“Hello,” he replied. “Let’s get down to business, shall we?”

And just like that, they started the negotiations. Castiel was more interested in knowing if they had buyers and how many of them were, and what they had planned to do with the merchandise. The most important one for Castiel was the question of the age of the people they were planning on selling these stuff to. When Aaron told him that he wanted to sell them to the people who were at least close to the age of consent that landed him positive points.

“But we both know that we won’t be able to really keep a hold of who will buy this stuff and who will actually use it,” Aaron said as he drank his beer.

“Of course not,” Castiel said, already out of his suit jacket. He had rolled up his button downs sleeves up to his elbows, and he felt loose as he spoke to Aaron. “So long as your people ID everyone who comes and buys from you. I don’t want or need any more trouble about what’s going on in the city. Especially when it comes to this.”

“No, I don’t like trouble,” Aaron replied with a shake of his head. “I especially don’t want to be on your bad side.”

“Wise choice,” Castiel replied with a slight tilt of his head.

Thirty minutes later, they shook hands, and the deal was done. Castiel left the building with his men, jacket over his elbow. He walked out of the front door and looked around. It had stopped raining and the air was filled with humidity that he liked feeling on his face. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath of fresh air. “I want to walk for a bit,” he said to no one in particular.

He shrugged on his jacket and started to walk down the street, his men following behind him. Placing his hands inside his pants pockets, he let the cold that usually came after a heavy rain wash over him. It was a refreshing feeling that he really needed to feel at this moment. His mind wasn’t at ease.

He needed to think. But at the same time, he couldn’t.

He couldn’t go down that road and simply start thinking about Dean, and about what he had learned. He needed to get more information about what was going on, before he could take the next steps and take care of it.

Of course he was going to interfere. Of course he was going to take care of the only person he learnt how to truly care for and love. He was going to help Dean out however and whichever way he could. He wasn’t going to back down from it. He was going to make the people who sold drugs to him bleed until there was nothing left of them. Even though he wasn’t active in this life, as much as he should’ve been, he still held that much authority in everyone’s lives and in the city.

And then he felt like he walked right into a cold water and he froze right in the middle of the street.

There. Right across the street from him, stood Dean Winchester. His eyes wide and his cheeks full of red blush. His hair wild, as if he had run his hands through them more than once. He was talking on the phone with someone. Castiel wouldn’t know who he was talking to, or who would make him look so at ease. Maybe his brother? But then Castiel remembered that Dean hadn’t spoken to his brother for years now. Or Charlie said so.

He ended the call, and a foggy breath left his mouth. Castiel wasn’t sure what he was doing around this area, but all he knew that nothing else mattered at this moment but Dean. He looked good. He was wearing black jeans, with black boots. He had a beige coat on that came short to his thighs. It was unbuttoned and Castiel could see him wearing a white button down. He always looked perfect with a button down.

A stab went through Castiel’s chest and he let out a shaky breath. He clenched his hands and run through reasons as to why he couldn’t approach him right now and see how he was. If he needed help. If he wanted to talk to Castiel again. If he wanted to…

“Sir…” One of his men whispered to him, and Castiel teared his eyes away from Dean and to the oncoming car. It was black with tinted windows. Dean seemed to recognize it, because he placed his phone into his coat pocket, and walked to the car. He got in, closed the door after him, and the car drove away.

Castiel wasn’t sure if he was able to breathe properly. There seemed to be something really heavy being stuck on his neck and his chest heaved as he tried to breathe through the pain. Someone called his name, but there was a rushing in his ears, and he couldn’t hear anything. Blindly, he searched for his car, and then he remembered that he didn’t drive here. But close by, he recognized Alfie’s car right away. So he went to it and got inside. Alfie was behind the wheel, and without saying a word, he started the car and drove off.

They were in Manhattan, and Dean was in Manhattan. Castiel wondered why _Dean_ was in Manhattan. What business did he have in here? Was it something to do with a client? Or had it been something connected with drugs?

He closed his eyes and sighed. Suddenly, Castiel felt tired, and weary, from all of this. He just wanted to get back to his slow and boring life. It had never been a slow and a boring life, but in the last couple of years, his life had been exactly that.

He had wished to quit this life for so long that the years had blurred into one another and he was still standing. He was still active, if not somewhat reserved in his actions.

Castiel wasn’t aware of the time it took for them to get back to his place, but he was grateful for the fast way Alfie drove the car. He patted Alfie’s shoulder, and then got out of the car and walked inside. It was late into the night, that much he was aware of, and because of how eerily quiet it was inside the house. Castiel walked up the stairs and to his bedroom. Getting in, he shut the door after him with a snap, and started to get undressed. His fingers shook as he worked on his shirt’s buttons. After some fumbling, he was able to take the shirt off and then he made a quick work of his pants. He left his clothes on the ground, and made his way to the bathroom.

Castiel stood underneath the spray of his shower, and he turned on the water. He hissed as the cold water hit his skin and he shivered slightly, for almost a minute, before the water started to turn into a warmer temperature, and his shivering subsided. He placed his hands on the wall and hung his head forward.

Biting down on his lower lip, he tried very hard not to cry. But his emotions fought against his body’s will, and a sob ripped through his mouth. And as it left his body, he couldn’t hold it back in anymore. He let everything he was feeling out, in the confines of his bathroom and his shower. They wouldn't be able to rat him out to anyone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel’s jaw hurt with how much he was clenching it as he looked at Dean, his eyes wide and probably looking hungry with the way it kept running over and over again over Dean’s face and body and everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late post, guys. Life is a busy thing for me these days :)  
> I'm not abandoning this story, though, so don't think that, and don't lose hope.
> 
> Thank you all so much for being patient and reading it.

_“For once in your whole goddamn life can you stop and think about how many people you are hurting by acting like this?” his voice sounded raw and angry, and it was filled with so much hatred…_

_“I don’t need to report to you about any of my actions and decisions I make in my life.”_

_“You can’t decide who lives and who dies!”_

_“I do. If they did me wrong, they have a price to pay. They know it, I know it. Everyone knows it,” Castiel closed his eyes, and took a steadying breath. Castiel tried to sound as cold as he could, but he couldn’t. He was, however, going to try and not lose his temper over this._

_“What about their families?”_

_“They know the consequences that this life brings.”_

_“So every time they leave the house, that can be their last, is that what you’re saying?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“That’s bullshit.”_

_Castiel slammed him against the wall, a nerve jumping on his temple as he tried to will his anger down. “Don’t you think that I don’t have regrets in my life? A lot of guilt? About who lives and dies, and how many families are left fatherless, and even childless? Don’t act as if I don’t know about how hard this life is for me and for the people involved. Don’t you_ dare _.”_

_“You can’t just kill people left and right and expect me to be okay with it!”_

_“What about me?” Castiel said, pushing him against the wall roughly again. “What about what will happen to me if I don’t do what I do? What if one day I go out and there are people already waiting for me to end me?”_

_“Cas-“_

_“What if one day I will go out and there won’t be a_ me _coming back home_ alive _to you?”_

_“That’s not-“_

_“What will happen if I don’t make the people pay who do wrong in life, and do wrong by me? Let them come after you?” Castiel heaved out a sigh, and clenched his teeth as he grounded out. “I won’t let anyone come after me. I won’t let anyone else come after_ you _.”_

_Warm, big, calloused hands grabbed him by his face. Castiel’s eyes fluttered and he let out another breath through his lips. He closed his eyes, and a forehead rested itself on his. Castiel’s body slumped down a bit, he hadn’t realized how wound up he has gotten over this._

_“Please,” his voice whispered, the breath of the word fanning over Castiel’s lips. His lips dropped open voluntarily. “Please, get out of this life. Please.”_

_“You know I can’t simply quit it,” Castiel whispered, the hands on his head sliding down to the front of his body. The hands slipped down underneath the shirt, and glided up to get the shirt off. A tongue licked his lower lip and Castiel shuddered._

_“You can quit. We can get out of here. Somewhere where people won’t know us.”_

_Castiel took another steadying breath as his pants dropped and everything was a blur after that. It always was when they’d get like this. A hot mouth closed around his hard member and he bit down on his lower lip. He shuddered and leaned forward against the wall. He rested his forehead there. And few seconds later Castiel could feel the head of his shaft hit the back of his throat. And that’s when he gasped out,_ “Dean…”

* * *

Waking up in cold sweat was something that Castiel had gotten used to in the last couple of years. He would have nightmares. He would have pleasant dreams. And he would have dreams that were memories. This one was a memory. It was about a week before Dean left him. They had this fight because Castiel had come home, stumbling a bit, and covered in blood. A deal had gone awry and there were some words exchanged that were not pleasant. Wild gestures had been made by both sides and then the next thing Castiel knew guns were being drawn and people were dying left and right.

Dean had been pretty shaken up by this. They weren’t in a good place in the relationship as it was, and Castiel coming home looking like that didn’t help things at all.

Castiel sighed and got up from the bed. He checked the time on his bedside table before he made his way to the bathroom. It was 6 am already, and knowing Castiel, he wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep. So he went to the bathroom to pee and then shower. He had to get ready for the day.

* * *

Walking around the woods used to be an amazing way to pass the time when he had his wolf pack. They used to accompany him everywhere. But when they had gotten older and sickness got the best of them, they had to be put to sleep. Castiel had been left all alone in his musings and thoughts. He has walked around so many times that he knew his way around easily, so he’d never get lost.

A few years ago, they made a small pond deep in the woods, so that’s where he was going to head to, now. He had a book with him just in case he’d get bored from looking up at the sky or enjoying the serenity the place would provide him with.

He could hear the birds chirping in the distance, soft ruffles of the leaves as the wind blew through them, the dull noise of his boots as he stepped over the branches and the muddy places. There was a crack in the sky as the sun tried to desperately break through them. Castiel looked up a bit and squinted. It was going to rain soon enough again, but Castiel didn’t mind it, not one bit.

So he walked on for what felt like another 15 minutes, and then there was; the clearing with the pond. It really was a lovely place and it was in the exactly same image as it had been when Castiel got the idea pitched to him by Dean.

It was a pure torture being here when he had that memory and despite the sourness the memory brought itself with, Castiel missed Dean. Missed having him around, arguing with him, laughing at him, or with him, he simply missed Dean’s presence in his life.

Sighing, Castiel lowered himself to the ground and crossed his legs as he looked at the pond. It wasn’t too big, nor was it small. It was a bit off to the side and there had been added flowers and plants around it, and throughout the years, some frogs had made themselves known in the area. At first the sight of them made Castiel squirm, but he got used to them in no time.

He closed his eyes took a deep breath, letting the noise that was provided by the woods silence the tide wave that was in his head, and concentrate on the book that he brought with himself to read. The feelings were replaced quickly and Castiel allowed himself to open the book at the right place and start reading.

About 30 pages later, he got a text message on his phone, which he ignored. Few pages later, he got another one. This time he, reluctantly, closed the book and grabbed his phone from his pocket to read the messages. It was Balthazar.

**Balthazar:** _Hey, boss. I found where he is going to be tonight._

**Balthazar:** _You really do want to check it out._

Castiel frowned down at the messages, just as thunder rumbled through the air. Castiel quickly looked up and noticed that it had gotten darker and there was no sign of the sun anymore. Only the greyness of the sky. He stood up quickly, and as fast as he could, walked through the woods to get to his house. Sometime before he got to his house it started to rain, and soon Castiel was drenched through his clothes.

He tried to shield his book, but the damage was done on it already, so he just sighed and started to run. Soon enough, the trees had thinned and he was running the path that would lead him to the house.

Few minutes later he was opening and closing the backdoor and making his way around the kitchen. Anna was working on a soup, and Lora was on her phone. Both of them straightened a bit when they saw him, but he waved his hand at them as he passed. They had been talking about something but they got quiet as he passed. Castiel, of course, had a feeling as to what the subject of their conversation was. They had been doing that for months now.

Sighing, he walked up the stairs and to his bedroom, only to come to a halt as he saw Balthazar in his room. “What are you doing here?”

Balthazar, who was placing a tie over a suit that was on his bed, didn’t even look startled to be caught. “I’m getting your outfit ready for tonight.”

Castiel looked down at the suit, and cocked his head to the side. “No tie and no jacket. Where am I going exactly?”

“To _Red Palace_ of course, Jesus. You’re slow.”

“You haven’t told me where we are going, so I’m allowed to be ‘ _slow_ ’,” Castiel pointed. As he started to take off his shirt.

“Yes, yes,” Balthazar waved his hand around, taking the suit jacket off the bed. He turned around and looked at Castiel, and then frowned. “God, you look awful. Go and take a shower. We leave in an hour.”

“It’s raining outside,” Castiel said, rolling his eyes, and he made his way to the bathroom. He dropped his shirt in the hamper by the bathroom door; the rest of his clothes followed this action. Then, he got the shower started and when it was warm enough, he got under it. The first hit of the shower on his back was a blessing.

“He is going to be there,” Balthazar said, sounding a bit dim, since Castiel was standing right under the water.

“What?” he pulled back a bit and squinted.

“Dean,” Balthazar said a bit louder than before. “He is going to be at the casino.”

Castiel didn’t answer. Instead he dumped shampoo in his hair and started to take care of it. Once it was rinsed out, he ducked his head out of the shower stream and asked, “Is he going to be alone?”

“Yeah,” Balthazar replied. “From the looks of it, he is.”

“You sound like you are not so sure.”

“The person who told me this was unsure himself,” Balthazar said. “Why care if he’s still going to be there and you’ll get to see him yourself.”

“I don’t like surprises.”

“I know,” if they’d have this conversation face to face, Castiel was sure he’d see Balthazar rolling his eyes. “But it’s not supposed to discourage you from cleaning up and then getting dressed. You have a boy to see.”

There was a shuffle and a click as the door closed. Castiel continued showering and soon he was done. He grabbed a towel from the rack, and wrapped it around his waist. And a smaller one to run through his hair. He stood in front of the mirror and wiped away the steam from the mirror.

Castiel stared at himself in the mirror, noting the wrinkles around his eyes and on his forehead. His hair was in disarray from the shower, and touching his cheeks, there was a scruffiness to it. He debated on shaving for only a minute, before he decided against it. He took deep steadying breaths and looked right into his eyes through the mirror; there was a heat and determination them that he hadn’t seen for a long while. Clenching his jaw tight, Castiel straightened his back and nodded to himself.

He was going to talk to Dean tonight, try and figure out what was happening in his life, and from then on, he would decide his next course of action.

* * *

When they arrived, Castiel nervously fiddled with his phone in his hands. He didn’t know what was waiting for him inside the building. He hated not knowing. His men were out of their cars already and they were waiting for him outside of his car. Alfie was his designated driver for the night, and he was still in the car, waiting for his move. Castiel noticed him shooting glances at him from the rearview mirror, but otherwise, he kept silent. He was waiting for his orders.

Castiel, on his part, was going through the plan in his head. It was a simple one; go inside, play some tables, leave lots of money to the dealers, and… and if he were to happen to stumble upon Dean, he was going to greet him and ask how he’s been. And that was it. He wasn’t going to do anything rash, such as ask him if it were true that he has started to use, or he was back in the scene, and who he was serving. He was just going to keep this casual.

Even when he said that to himself, repeating those lines to him over and over again, deep down, he knew it was a lie.

Castiel was wearing black bulletproof pants, a navy colored button down, the sleeves rolled up, and a black vest on top that hugged his clothes close to his body. He flicked off a dust from his pants, and grabbed the handle of the car door, and opened it. He stepped out of the car and let out a sigh that was a bit shaky. Alfie followed suit and stood beside him, waiting for orders. Castiel gave him a slight look and Alfie got his black coat from the car and draped over his shoulders. Castiel grabbed the edges and moved it forward for a bit as he walked the steps up to the _Red Palace._

The place was already live and filled with gambling patrons. He could see at least two bachelorette parties happening at two separate corners of the place. Both parties were being unnecessarily loud. At a glance to one of the parties that was the closest to him, Castiel noticed they were playing the roulette. Which answered his question as to why they were being so loud. His lips twitched up in a small smile as he heard one of the girl’s scream _“I won!”_. Which was followed by a screech of her friends.

He walked further into the room and discreetly looked around, trying to find the silhouette of the person he wanted to see the most. He saw some people who had the similar set of jawline, or shoulder, or hair that was the same shade as Dean’s, but it wasn’t _him._ A girl who was probably in her 20’s walked to him with a big smile on her face and introduced herself as Karen. She told him that there was a table of Poker happening in one of the rooms and the buy-in started at $250k. Castiel only had 10 seconds to think about it, before he was agreeing to be accompanied to the said room.

Once inside, Castiel realized that this table wasn’t just set up for people who have bunch of money laying around and came here to spend it in gambling. It was sort of an All Star type of table. Castiel sat at an empty chair and nodded once, while looking at some of the people. He recognized the champion of WSOP 2016 Tommy Gun and some actress from SNL. He wasn’t close with any of them, or knew them personally, but he has played some rounds with them from time to time and they were great competitors.

Karen dropped the stack of chips on his left side, and a waitress placed him a tumbler of whiskey. He dropped a $500 chip in her pocket. She thanked him with a big smile on her face, which he didn’t return. The Dealer started to shuffle the cards in some extravagant way that Castiel never got the hang of doing himself. And then he started dealing.

Castiel got his hands, but he didn’t check what he got, neither did Tommy Gun. The SNL actress did, and her lip twitched. Dead giveaway of having a good pair. For now. The Dealer placed three cards on the table. Castiel was displeased by them, but never mind that. Gun was raising the ante, so Castiel followed suit. The actress did as well. The Dealer flipped another card. This time Gun checked his cards, and then there was a split second of hesitation, before he raised again. Castiel quickly followed, he wasn’t sure what he was betting at right now. He just needed to spend the money on something. There was that familiar itch under skin.

“Ms. Wigg; folded,” the Dealer said in a clear voice and Castiel raised his brows at her.

“I’m not having a good day today,” she said with a slight shrug. “Good luck, though. To you two.” And then she left the table. So it was only Gun and Castiel left by the table.

The Dealer flipped open another card and then waited. Gun looked at his cards again, figuring out his next move. And then slid some more chips, calling.

“Call,” Castiel said.

And then it was the river round. Castiel, without checking his cards first, flopped his cards to reveal what he had; Gun did the same at the exact moment. On the table they had 5 and 10 of hearts, 10 of spades, J of Diamonds, and A of spades. Gun had 5 and 3 of clubs; whereas Castiel had 5 of spades, and 10 of diamonds.

“Shit,” Tommy Gun muttered, and Castiel couldn’t help but feel smug for his Full House.

“Congratulations, sir,” the Dealer said with a smile and she pushed the chips at him.

Castiel nodded and he started to stack up his chips in order while they waited for the Dealer to change the cards and get ready for another round. Castiel was busy with his chips so he wasn’t aware of the door’s opening and closing as another couple came in. He only looked up when the woman greeted them and her voice sounded smooth like silk that made Castiel to look up and he froze.

In front of him was sitting Amara. She was an elegant looking woman who held herself high and in a way that intimidated everyone. And despite her harsh lines, she also could make people believe how much of a sweet heart she could be, if she wanted to. But Castiel knew better, because she was Alastair’s sister. Blood sister.

And sitting beside her was Dean. Castiel’s heart seized and his throat tightened. He had a hard time with trying to draw in a breath at that moment, because this could be impossible, right? The universe couldn’t be this bad toward him. Right? _Right?_

Castiel’s jaw hurt with how much he was clenching it as he looked at Dean, his eyes wide and probably looking hungry with the way it kept running over and over again over Dean’s face and body and _everything_. He looked good. Well put together. His hair combed and his suit as a second skin to his body. He has filled up a bit more on the shoulders, but there was a hollow look to his face that Castiel didn’t like seeing. He knew what that usually meant but he ignored that nagging voice from the back of his head. His left hand twitched slightly as Dean looked around the table and his eyes didn’t even linger on Castiel. There was nothing in his eyes that indicated Dean knew Castiel in any way.

There was a heavy and a sharp feeling pressing down insistently on Castiel’s chest. His left hand twitched again and he could feel Alfie stepping in closer behind his back. But he didn’t say anything to him and didn’t acknowledge Castiel’s poorly hidden anxiety attack.

Castiel couldn’t do this. He tried to breathe freely, but he couldn’t; there was something in his throat, preventing the air to come in and out of his lungs.

The Dealer, who was unaware of the whole situation, started to deal, and then the game started. Castiel’s mind wasn’t into the game, but on Dean and how he was with Amara. They spoke to each other in low voices. While Amara sat in a high and rigid way, Dean was a bit slumped forward and he’d have to move slightly close to Amara to speak to her. More than once, Dean’s lips even grazed her throat as he spoke to her in low voice, but she didn’t even react to it in any way. Dean was completely ignoring Castiel, and the fact that he was sitting _right there._ Right in front of him. And he was doing _that._

That was the last straw for Castiel.

Castiel couldn’t just sit here and indulge this whole thing. So after flop round, he flopped his cards and then pushed himself away from the table. He walked out of the room with a bang of the door.

He remembered how he felt when Dean grazed his lips on Castiel’s neck. How it raised goosebumps and how they curled up behind his teeth in order to sink into Castiel’s skin as Castiel fucked him into the mattress. Those moments happened outside of bedroom as well; hugging each other and Dean would turn his head and kiss his neck. Sitting on a couch to watch a movie, Dean cuddling close to Castiel, his head laying down on his shoulder, and he would turn his head a bit and kiss Castiel’s neck. Too many simple moments had passed between them, but those were the moments that Castiel remembered.

The cold weather from outside hit him square in the face, as he stepped out of the casino. He took steadying breaths through his nose and out of his mouth. He did this for a long time before his car pulled over and stopped in front of him with a screech. Castiel got inside and Alfie got in beside him. Mike decided to drive the car this time and they headed back home. There was no traffic, thankfully. At least the universe was on _his_ side about this. His hand kept twitching so he flexed his fingers couple of times then curled his fingers into a fist. No one spoke.

He was mad at himself; the reaction he had when he saw Dean was not something he was supposed to have. It was in the past. He had thought he left those feelings and everything in the past. But apparently, his traitorous heart would always beat out of his heart and squeeze in the worst way possible whenever he’d lay his eyes on Dean. The only person who was insistent enough to grab Castiel’s heart and never let go.

Castiel let out a shaky breath and got out of the car once they were home. Alfie followed him into the house and up the stairs and into his bedroom. Castiel dropped his coat on the table and started to work on the buttons on his vest. He couldn’t seem to be able to grab onto the buttons.

“Let me do it, sir,” Alfie was suddenly there, pushing away Castiel’s shaky hands and taking care of the buttons. Castiel took steadying breaths in and out of his nose as he regarded the steady hands and fingers on his chest. They moved fast and in a professional way which gave Castiel something to concentrate on. Alfie took the vest off of Castiel’s body and their chests bumped a bit, their faces getting closer than usual. Castiel’s breath left his body in one big whoosh as Alfie pulled back slightly and looked into Castiel’s eyes. The moment happened in a heartbeat, but they didn’t acknowledge it.

Castiel had thought of Alfie being an attractive person, but Castiel was also a person who didn’t think of sleeping with anyone who was an attractive person. Especially now when he knew that his heart and everything belonged to a person who didn’t think of him as anything but a murderer.

It was a depressing thought and something that would make any sane person to try and shake him awake and away from such feelings, but such was the life he was living these days, or for the last 7 years.

Priorities.

Which Castiel didn’t seem to have... Or did he have that? He wasn’t sure.

When Alfie started to work to unbutton his shirt that’s when Castiel gripped Alfie’s hands in a tight grip. “Enough,” he forced out. The boy froze and he looked at Castiel, eyes wide, mouth slightly open. “Thank you for your help. You may go now.”

Alfie didn’t say anything. Castiel’s eyes slid down his nose, to his lips, and down to his neck, where he noticed how it bobbed as he swallowed. In the end, he just nodded and walked out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Castiel crumpled down and sat on bed and stared at the closed door of his bedroom. Alfie was an attractive person. Castiel had seen it and he had acknowledged that fact. But Alfie wasn’t Dean. He would never be Dean. Alfie was also a teenager, who was working for him. Castiel shouldn’t even entertain that train of thought. He shook his head at himself, in slight disappointment.

No one was ever going to be Dean. That was something Castiel had learned a long time ago. Maybe from day one, but he has never confirmed those thoughts before. But now, after so many years of not being around Dean, Castiel accepted that fact.

He was completely and unequivocally devoted to Dean.

He was in love with Dean. And nothing and no one could ever change that.

Castiel closed his eyes and tried to breathe through the sharp pain on his left side of chest. “Not now,” he whispered to no one in particular, his hand clutching that side and breathing through the pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, leave me your thoughts. They keep me going.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m not a good person.”  
> “Maybe you are not, but for them, you provide safety,” Balthazar said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for still being with me and being patient with me, and giving this a try. I appreciate it.

The first time Castiel realized he was in love with Dean Winchester was on a sunny day. Cliché and cheesy, really. They were out, taking a walk around the woods, when the sun hit Dean’s face and he squinted up at it. He looked smaller somehow, younger. His freckles shone and he wrinkled his nose in the most adorable way possible. Castiel could see the honey colored stripes in the green of Dean’s eyes as the sun reflected in them, and Castiel did the only thing he was capable of doing at that moment; he grabbed Dean and kissed him with everything he had felt.

Dean had let out this small muffled sound, and frowned into the kiss, as if in surprise. Which only made Castiel hold him tighter and deepen the kiss. It took Dean only a second to kiss him back, his shoulders relaxed once he kissed back. It was rewarding; because the way Dean kissed him made Castiel believe that Dean felt the same way about him.

It was just a wishful thinking on Castiel’s side.

They wrapped their arms around each other and Dean had grabbed the back of his head, and curled his fingers in to grab onto his hair. Castiel had let out a sigh from his nose from the feeling and it made him clutch Dean a bit harder.

They had whispered something to one another that Castiel can’t recall right now, but there was a small smile that twitched up on Dean’s lips. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Castiel’s and Castiel had ran his hands over Dean’s back, up and down, up and down…

It was sweet and warm, and everything that Castiel wasn’t familiar with, but he had secretly yearned for.

Castiel woke up with tears already falling down his eyes and the need to draw in a breath. He curled up even further in himself and took a deep, shaky breath. Squeezing his eyes shut, he tried to stop the tears and tried to breathe.

It never got easy. It would never get easy.

Seeing Dean with another person was something that Castiel could never forget. It was something he realized he could never be able to stomach, even if he were in his death bed. It would always leave a bad taste in his mouth. And what was even worse; he was with Amara. That made him sober up for now and he turned onto his back, and stared at the ceiling in silence.

Amara was Alastair’s sister. The man who had almost killed him and managed to kill his daughter. What was Dean thinking; was something of a mystery for Castiel right now. Maybe… There was the niggling feeling of this whole thing being _wrong_. There was something in there that didn’t sit right. Despite Dean being affectionate with her, there was something in his eyes that Castiel saw.

He had no feelings. There wasn’t warmth in his eyes. He looked detached from the whole scene.

So maybe he knew what he was doing with her? But what was it that he was doing? Was it…

Castiel sat up in his bed and stared blankly at the wall.

Dean wouldn’t do that, would he? He wouldn’t befriend the enemy for revenge, right? But then… It had been years ago, so maybe he was over that. Castiel cringed at his own thoughts. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t like the person who got killed was the neighbor’s kid. It was Dean’s daughter. His only child. No one could ever get over that.

Not even Castiel. He still had nightmares about it.

* * *

Castiel had his head cradled in his hands. For the last five hours he had been staring at the papers that Balthazar had given him about every activity that involved Dean. And… it was a lot. It went all the way back to when they ended it. The files were thick with details about everything. Every hour of every day. Everything he had worn, eaten, and made calls to. The text messages. Even the ones that he had had with Sam were here. Castiel had placed that file far from him. He was not going to break that privacy between the brothers. He didn’t want to know about that.

What he did want to know was the recent activities Dean had had with Amara. And who was his dealer. And what he had found left him shocked and exhausted.

Dean had been with Amara for the last 4 years now. They had almost the same arrangements that he and Dean had. Almost.

There had been some disturbing things he had learned while he was reading about it and… it was unsettling. Dean had completely given up his control to this woman. It was out of character for Dean to do something like this. Maybe there was some sort of an agreement that Castiel was unaware of? The list of possibilities were long for Castiel to pinpoint one thing that would make any sense.

The sleeves of his emerald button down shirt were rolled up to his elbows, the few buttons on his neck unbuttoned. The suit jacket was off of him and it was resting at the back of his chair. His hair was a mess because of how many times he ran his fingers through them. His head was pounding. He took a sip of the whiskey he’d been drinking. He long lost the taste and the burn of it, as it made its way down his neck. “Is this all?” he asked Balthazar, who was sitting at the other available chair around the table.

“Mhmm,” hummed Balthazar. He leaned back and lazily thumbed through his phone. “Everything we had on him is there, till today. I asked the boys to keep an eye on him.”

“And?” Castiel asked rubbing his eyes. He felt exhausted.

“Nothing yet from the day. Sorry, boss,” Balthazar said. He sighed and placed his phone back in his pocket.

“Just…” Castiel couldn’t continue with the sentence. But Balthazar understood him, for he just nodded at him and got his phone out again and started texting someone.

Castiel, for his part, picked up a manila file and opened it. Dean Winchester’s face was at the top of the file. Castiel’s heart twisted a bit before he started to go through them all and it took him only a second to realize that the file was filled with pictures of Dean.

Dean in a park. Dean on a sidewalk. Dean in a market buying stuff. Dean laughing. Dean on the phone. Dean texting. Just… Dean, Dean, _Dean_ …

Clenching his jaw, Castiel just about gave up on the whole file when, at the bottom of the pictures, he saw a blurry one. He grabbed it out of the pile and took a shaky breath.

It was clearly taken in a nightclub, since the picture had, not only a blur to it, but it also was a bit more colorful. It showed Dean sitting on a couch and he was crouched over a table. There were visible white lines on the table in front of him and he had a straw in his hand. Castiel clenched his jaw in anger.

He felt hurt. He felt like a failure. He felt like whatever he was going to do in life was going to turn into dust and into…this. A broken man trying to find his place in the world but ending up being back to how he was before, in the worse possible way, at that.

It was different when he was told that Dean was doing drugs, to seeing it in a photo. Castiel wanted Dean to be safe. That’s what he wanted the most out of this whole thing. He wanted Dean to be alright again and he wanted to get him out of that witch’s clutches. Even if it meant that he wasn’t going to have Dean in his life, he still needed to get Dean out that hole.

Castiel had a feeling. And when he had a feeling, he usually acted on them. And when he acted on them; there was always blood. And if it meant that he was going to get his hands bloody again, for Dean, then he was going to gladly get his hands dirty.

“Why did you keep this from me?” Castiel asked. He was trying hard to keep his voice steady, and his emotions in check.

“Because, this way, your concerns and attention were directed at your people,” Balthazar answered.

Castiel looked up Balthazar blankly, “What?”

“Your focus is on us this way. You don’t have to worry about someone else, but us, and the people of the city. They feel safer when they can see how much good you’re doing for them.”

“I’m not a good person.”

“Maybe you are not, but for them, you provide safety,” Balthazar said, with an amount of seriousness that made Castiel realize that he was right.

He had been focusing on the people more for the last couple of years. And that was probably because he didn’t have anything else to do with his free time. But… he wasn’t ever not present when he had Dean in his life, right? He still did good things back then as well… right?

“Don’t get me wrong, sir, you’ve done well since I have started to work for you,” Balthazar quickly reassured him. “It just feels different now.” Balthazar shrugged and sighed. After a moment of silence, he added, “But… if you have to get him back in your life, because you want and need him, then I will not question it and be right by your side to take on the plan.”

Castiel hesitated for a moment, before he nodded. They didn’t talk about anything else.

* * *

“You just be glad that he’s not here because you would’ve been dead even before you could’ve lifted your head to say anything, you piece of shit,” Balthazar said, while pushing the end of his gun at the man who was bound to the chair.

In between the re-search, and taking care of his boss and his needs, Balthazar was keeping a close eye to the business. The furniture they were receiving from Africa was in good condition, and the business had blossomed from there and on, but that job didn’t cover their expanses, so they had to move to other stuff. The next best thing were drugs. So they started to get more involved in it. From the start of things, when dealers would bring in drugs into the country, it all went through Castiel's system to be approved of. He never used drugs, but he understood and knew which ones he would allow to his city. So they started to get more involved. Right now, they were the biggest dealers, and they got their drugs from trusted sources. Now that Castiel knew that Dean had been using, Castiel had ordered Balthazar to question his dealers to make sure that none of them were selling their stuff to Dean. People, of course, knew who Dean was for Castiel, and they wouldn’t betray the trust Castiel had for his people.

Everyone Balthazar, and his men, had questioned, swore on their lives and families, and their own businesses, that they hadn’t seen Dean close to their area. But then one man had slipped, and now here he was, bound to the chair at the end of Balthazar’s gun.

“I didn’t know the man was boss’ man, dude,” the guy said, his voice thick. His mouth was bloody and he kept on choking on it.

“How long have you been working for us, you dipshit?” Balthazar snapped at him, hitting the man on the side of his head.

“Please, please, don’t kill me. I got a family, man. I have mouths to feed.”

“Maybe you should’ve thought about it before you started to work for the others.” Balthazar took a step back and crossed his hands in front of him, holding the gun in his hand still. “You keep quiet until he gets here, so he can’t blow your head off.”

“Man, don’t kill me,” now the man started to whine. “I gotta take care of the family. I hit a rough patch. I had to dig myself outta there man.”

“Maybe you should’ve come to us about it, before you made the decision to do something else that is clearly ending badly for you,” Balthazar checked the time on his wrist, and nodded, “In about 5 minutes, it’s gonna end real badly for you.”

The man’s eyes went wide with fear and he started to struggle to get his hands free, but it was impossible. The sound of the familiar car making its way to the warehouse filled the air and the man started to cry like a little girl. Balthazar gave him one disgusted look, rolled his eyes and went out to meet his boss.

Castiel got out of his car, shutting the door behind him. He fixed his suit as he made his way to the house. He nodded at Balthazar as he passed by him. His mind was elsewhere. He came here to get some answers, and then leave.

“He looks terrible,” Castiel observed as he saw the man on the chair. “Hello, Dmitry.”

“Я не хотел этого делать. Я не знал, что он был твоим мужчиной. Если бы я знал, я бы этого не сделал. Я бы не стал продавать ему наркотики. Пожалуйста, сэр, ( _I didn't mean to do that. I didn't know he was your man. Had I known, I wouldn't have done that. I wouldn't sell him the drugs. Please, sir_.)” the man,- Dmitry- was shaking like a leaf as he bubbled away, trying to get to Castiel. But Castiel had had enough of these people thinking they could get away with their shit. “У меня есть семья, сэр. У меня есть дочери. Я нуждаюсь в них, сэр. Я не могу оставить их. Пожалуйста, сэр. Пожалуйста. ( _I have a family, sir. I have daughters. They need me, sir. I can't leave them. Please, sir. Please._ )”

“Надо было подумать об этом лучше, не так ли? ( _Should've thought better about that, shouldn't you_?)” Castiel asked, loading his revolver with one bullet. He span the cylinder and placed the tip of the gun to the man’s temple and pulled the trigger. With the click of it, Dmitry flinched away from it, and then he started to scream hysterically.

“Пожалуйста! Пожалуйста! I swear I quit the job! Пожалуйста, не убивайте меня! ( _Please, don’t kill me!_ )” Dmitry started to yell louder and louder. Castiel looked at him in surprise. He looked at Balthazar for a moment, who had rolled his eyes in annoyance.

“Stop yelling, Jesus Christ,” Balthazar hit him on the head again. Dmitry’s screaming turned into a painful moans.

“You fucking asshole!” Dmitry yelled at Balthazar. He then turned his head to look at Castiel, with fear clear in his eyes. “Извините меня, сэр. Нет неуважения к вам, Мистер Новак, сэр ( _I’m sorry, sir._ _No disrespect to you, Mr. Novak, sir._ ”

“You talk too much,” Castiel pulled the trigger again and the bullet left the revolver.

The blood went everywhere, and Castiel looked down at his clothes. “ugh” he said as he gave the revolver back to Balthazar. “I don’t know how you put off the killing and had to listen to him talk all the time.”

“Yeah, well,” he shrugged. “I didn’t want to deprive you of having fun with it.”

“Slimy asshole,” Castiel muttered and took out a handkerchief to wipe his hands, at least, before he could go back to the apartment and take a shower properly. “At least you worked on your Russian a bit.”

“The day I will start talking in Russian, I’ll be 7 feet down the ground, sir,” Balthazar said. Castiel chuckled and shook his head. “Besides, he only spoke in Russian when he saw you.”

Castiel paused for a second, making a thoughtful sound. After a moment, he nodded and said, “Clean up the mess. I have to leave.”

“Sure thing, boss.”

***** DEAN**

It has been about 5 days of nonstop raining and cold, and people were thinking that they wouldn’t be able to see the sun anymore for the next couple of month. But today, the weather had other plans, and the sun was out and shining brightly in the sky.

Sunday afternoon and the park was filled with families and children, who were enjoying the day. A mother was walking with her two kids and a dog. A small family of three made their way around the park, mom and dad and a baby in a stroller. Group of teenagers laying around on the grass, chatting and laughing and taking pictures. Elderly couples sitting on the benches, some with books, some with newspapers, and others just enjoying the warm day.

Dean was alone in the park, with only his coffee to keep him company.

He watched as a father helped his kid on the swing and started to push him on it. The kid cackled in glee and screeched as his father pushed him higher and higher. The kid’s laugh was a familiar sound to Dean and he gripped the go-to coffee cup in his hand a bit tighter.

It was a bit hard to forget those memories, wasn’t it? He had been a father, and now he wasn’t. People kept saying that you never stopped being a “father” just because you lost your child, but… who was he kidding? He didn’t have a child to be that father for. He couldn’t do that with Sam’s kids. He knew that they had another kid, but he didn’t really _know_ the kid. Nor did he know if it was a boy or a girl, or what the name was. He didn’t know what Sam was up to these days, either…

He snorted and shook his head, taking a sip of his scorching hot coffee.

Dean had severed his ties with them. He couldn’t bring himself to reach out to them. He wasn’t sure he’d be welcome. Not with the way he had basically shoved Sam and Jess out of his life and walked out of the door forever. God… the look on Sam’s face, on _Jess’s_ face, was something he could never forget. Not that he was going to try to. He deserved those faces. He deserved what he got after that as well.

The silence that followed was something he was going to bear on his shoulder. The weight of it was already crushing enough.

Dean took another sip of his coffee and looked at the father and son across the park. The father was now hugging him close to his chest and kissing his temple. Dean had to swallow around the lump in his throat as he saw the affectionate way the father handled his kid. It reminded him too much of Natalie; his sweet little baby girl when she was that age. She could’ve been older now. In that age where everything would embarrass her, especially the affection her parents would show her. She would tell them to fuck off. And of course that would make Sam give Dean a look of utter disapproval, wouldn’t it? Because he’d know that she had learned that from him.

Of course she would learn that from him.

His thoughts were cut short when his phone pinged with a message. He quickly reached for it, and when he saw who the text was from, he quickly stood up. On an almost autopilot, he dropped his coffee in the bin and started to make his way out of the park. He sniffed couple of times and blinked, when his vision had turned a bit blurry. He placed his hands in his jeans pocket and continued walking.

He had work to do.

* * *

The penthouse was as impersonal as the owner of the place. The doors opened right into the living room. There was a lone table right in front of him that held a fake flower plant. Dean had been baffled by it, the first time he saw, but then he got used to it, since the whole place had nothing but fake flowers and plants. They had been decorations, and nothing more. The walls were bare. Which had been another thing that surprised Dean, but he got used to it as well. He had never had a client whose house wasn’t filled with way too many paintings on the walls.

Here the walls were white, almost too white, and the floors were gray, so at least there was some sort of contrast between them. The living room had long, white, leather couches, a rug that Dean was sure was made out of real fur, that he was never allowed to step on, and a glass coffee table that was in the middle of the couches. There wasn’t anything on it. The TV was hung from the wall and the stereo was placed right underneath it.

Dean walked passed it, and passed the closed doors of the kitchen and some bedrooms that he wasn’t allowed to step into either. He walked a bit further down the hallway and stopped right in front of the office door. He knocked once, and there was a hummed reply. Assuming that she had agreed for him to come inside, he opened the door and stepped inside.

The office was the same way as the rest of the house; white and gray colored furniture and a rug on the floor that made Dean question if it was a fake fur or not. At the far side of the room, there sat a woman who had completely turned Dean’s world upside down. He wasn’t sure if it had been a good thing, or not, since he felt like he had been drugged from the moment the woman laid her eyes on him.

Amara was sitting on her chair, turned slightly from the desk and looking out of the window. She was wearing a burgundy colored long dress. The neck was low cut, so Dean could make out the shape of her cleavage easily. He wondered, not for the first time, if she had done a job on them, or if they were natural… since he wasn’t allowed to touch her, or kiss her. Sure they had shared the slight chaste kisses here and there, but there never had been anything more than a touch of their lips. Her face was a hard line of harsh edges. She looked deep in thought, and yet at the same time, she looked sharp. Her eyes had hardness in them that didn’t make Dean feel anything but fear. A light shiver ran down his spine as she tapped her fingers on her empty desk, and without turning away from the window, she asked him. “Why did you get here so late?”

“I was not close, mistress.”

That was another thing; he had to call her nothing, but mistress. He had done the wrong thing with calling her a “miss”, once or twice, which had given her a reason to give him a punishment so severe that it took him a bit longer to recover from. So he had learned.

He could be good like that.

“On your knees, pet.”

Dean dropped to his knees without a second thought. It hadn’t taken long for her to break him. Even when he had tried to resist her, she gave him a cruel little smile that didn’t warm her eyes at all. She had continued talking to him as if he didn’t even utter a single word.

What was worse, that they didn’t have limits… He was completely hers. And he had no other choice but to obey her orders. Even when some of them made him bleed out from places that weren’t healthy, he had no other choice, but to continue. Because when he obeyed her, she would reward him. He could be good like that.

He was good like that.

She stood up from her seat and glided over to him. Her dress kissed the floor as she made her way to him. Dean looked at her, and his heart jumped, not in fear when he saw the way she was looking at him, but with excitement that she was going to touch him in _some way_. He knew, at the back of his head, that he was going to be punished for coming here so late, but the prospect of being punished by _her_ was something that he enjoyed receiving very often. It was so easy to give up his control to her. So easy…

“Aw…” she crooned as she got closer to him. “Look at you… Waiting for me, so eagerly, to be punished. You do know why you’re being punished, don’t you.”

It wasn’t a question. It was a statement and Dean nodded once, and said, “Yes, mistress.”

“Good. Pet,” she said, and moved away from him to the wall where she had a cabin made inside the wall. She pushed it in and the drawer opened. She took out the long whip that would definitely sting for at least the next 3 days. If not more, depending on how far she was going to take it and how long she was going to whip it at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me your thoughts, people:)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel made his way to him, trying to keep his breathing steady. He stopped when he was a bench away from Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for keeping an eye out for my slow process of writing this story. Each and every review/kudos are a fuel for me to keep on writing.

Castiel was having his breakfast in the kitchen when Balthazar came in. He looked like he just rolled out of bed, threw yesterday’s clothes on and came to see him. Castiel glanced at him from the top of his frames, rolled his eyes and drunk from his coffee. He grabbed the toast, bit into it, and continued reading today’s paper.

“We are leaving in an hour,” Balthazar said as he poured himself a mug of coffee.

“Why?” Castiel asked. He looked at Balthazar, feeling confused.

“Because your boy is going to be in the park,” Balthazar replied. He took a big gulp from his coffee, not even wincing from the hot beverage that went down his body.

But Castiel didn’t care about it. His mind started to fill up with thoughts. “How do you know?” he asked.

“Remember when I told you I have people watching him?” Balthazar said, pouring himself another mug. He didn’t wait for Castiel to acknowledge what he had just said, as he continued, “Turns out that he goes to the park, every Sunday, around 10 a.m. He gets himself a coffee and a pretzel from the same small booth there, has his little thing by sitting on one of the benches, and then leaves. He usually gets a call or a text message around 11 a.m. So,” Balthazar clapped his hands together, and shrugged, “You’re going to have about an hour with him. Which is plenty of time to do stuff. I’m sure.”

Castiel looked at Balthazar unable to form words. He didn’t know why he was surprised. He didn’t really think that he was going to be seeing Dean so soon. Even though it has been weeks since the last time he had seen him. And it had started to snow out too. It was already winter for them and it was cold as all hell, too.

It was weird for Dean to still be going to the park, when it was covered in snow. But still, Castiel didn’t give it any more thought, as he quickly finished his breakfast and walked out of the kitchen. He passed Lora on his way to his bedroom. She quickly turned her back on him, so he wouldn’t stop and talk.

Even after all this time, Lora had never forgiven him for the things that had happened between he and Dean. She has never told him in the face about how she felt when Dean had left, but her silence did speak more than words. Castiel felt guilty over her sadness as well. They had become friends, after all. Castiel was going to try and talk to her one of these days. He just didn’t know how to start the conversation.

He went up to his bedroom and got dressed. He went for casual. He wore black jeans, and a black sweater. He ran his hands through his hair and looked at himself in the mirror for a moment, before he deemed himself acceptable to go out. He has gotten old, for sure. There were more gray hair in his hair than it had been before, and there were more wrinkles on his forehead and around his eyes.

Castiel leaned up against the counter and closed his eyes. He took deep steadying breaths in and out of his nose. It was going to be fine. This could go mostly in a wrong way. And it was going to be fine as well. Because he could do it. Or it could go over well. Right? Right.

Castiel’s heartbeat started to slow down to a steady rhythm and he let out another breath of air, before he opened his eyes and looked at himself in the mirror.

“Just a talk.”

It was going to be just a talk. There wasn’t anything that would go wrong from just talking, right? Then why was he so nervous?

* * *

“Hey, Robert,” he was greeted by the familiar gruff voice of one of his usual customers. Robert looked up and smiled as Dean lifted his hand up for a fist bump. Robert has been working in this park for about 30 years now. He has had way too many customers, and he would never forget the regulars’ faces. Dean had become one of his regulars’ pretty fast. Every time Robert would see the boy, he’d look more tired than before. Today it was no different.

“Hey, kid,” Robert said, smiling at him. “The usual?”

“Yeah, thanks,” Dean said with a smile. Robert started to make Dean’s order for him quickly, already knowing the right amount of sugar he took in his coffee and what type of pretzel he liked best.

“There ya go,” he handed Dean his order, who accepted it with a thank you. Dean paid for his breakfast and walked away. As soon as he was seated on one of the benches, Robert pulled out his phone. He sent a message, and turned to greet his next customer.

* * *

Balthazar’s phone pinged with a message, when they were 5 minutes away from the park. “He is here,” Balthazar declared, and Castiel could only nod. His mouth has been turned into a mush and he couldn’t form words.

This was a better arrangement. This could easily be played as an accidental bumping into each other scenario. Castiel could play that part easily. There was nothing holding him back from not being that way. All too soon, Alfie parked his car by the curb and killed the engine. The park was starting to fill up with families, and Castiel looked at them for a moment, before he got out of the car. Alfie was quick to follow him out, but Castiel told him to stay back. Alfie looked like he was going to protest, but Castiel was already making his way across the park.

Castiel placed his hands inside his coat’s pockets and walked around the park for a bit. His eyes were looking out for the familiar body, when he spotted him. He was sitting about 10 benches away from where Castiel was standing at, and he was finishing up his pretzel, though he still had his coffee, it seemed.

Castiel made his way to him, trying to keep his breathing steady. He stopped when he was a bench away from Dean.

Dean hadn’t paid attention to him. He was looking straight ahead at the kids in the park. Castiel clenched his hands into fists inside his pockets, in a nervous gesture, and then relaxed. He licked his lips, took a deep breath, and then said.

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean froze, with his coffee go-to cup almost touching his lips. Slowly, he turned his head and looked at Castiel. His eyes widened slightly, his lips dropped open. His hand lowered. Dean’s eyes were filled with so many emotions that Castiel was having a hard time to point out some of them. He swallowed and took a step forward to where Dean was sitting.

“Can I sit with you?” Castiel asked. He waited for the consent from Dean to sit, but there was nothing but shock on his face. Castiel hesitated, unsure of what to do. So he sat at the bench that was the closest to Dean.

Dean followed this action with looking at him through the same expression as before. Castiel sat and rested his hands on his lap. He was wearing gloves, of course, but it was a bit chillier than usual. They sat like that for a while. Dean staring at him, and he staring right back at him. Castiel didn’t even care that they weren’t talking. The last time he had seen Dean, was nothing compared to what he was seeing right now. If someone were to say that Castiel had missed seeing Dean’s face, that would’ve been an understatement of the year.

Dean had gotten older. But he still held the same beautiful features that made Castiel’s lips burn with the need to kiss the skin. He was clean shaven, his hair was beautifully style, and his lips were the same way; plum and red. His cheeks were rosy, due to the weather. His eyes were filled with so many emotions that Castiel would’ve looked away, had this been in any other situation, but right now? Right now he needed to drink Dean’s appearance in because it was too much not to.

He was still as beautiful as he had been all those years ago.

“What are you doing here?” Dean asked him, in a carefully blank voice. Castiel would know this, because he knew Dean from inside out.

“I was in the neighborhood,” Castiel started, but Dean shook his head.

“You’re lying. I know… you are… because I-“ he stopped short. He shook his head and said, “You shouldn’t be here.”

“Why not?” Castiel asked, frowning slightly. “It’s a park. I’m allowed to be here.”

“No, you don’t understand,” Dean said, and shook his head again. “You don’t get it. You don’t ever get it. You can’t just materialize out of nowhere.”

“Dean-“

“You don’t get to say my name either,” Dean snapped at him. He closed his eyes and looked down. “You can’t just do what you think is right for you. You never think of other’s feelings and life. You _can’t be_ here.”

Castiel swallowed with a click. He knew that he was unwelcome by Dean, but he didn’t realize just how much he was not welcome. He frowned and then looked down at the ground. The snow had been mudded up a bit by the people making their way through the park. And some places were slippery. He hadn’t realized how white everything was around here, since he was thinking of Dean. And now that he was here, he realized that Dean was, not to subtly, telling him to fuck off.

“I have to go,” Dean stood up and past by Castiel’s bench. Castiel stood up and started to fast walk after Dean.

“Dean, wait,” Castiel said. He reached out and grabbed at Dean’s shoulder to stop him. The violent way that Dean jumped away from him made something unpleasant sour Castiel’s inside. He stood there, in shock, stock still, as he looked at the pained grimace that went over Dean’s face.

“Do not _ever_ touch me again. Or I _will_ break your nose. Got it?” There was so much hatred and so much pain behind his words that Castiel didn’t know what to do, but to stare at Dean in shock. Castiel blinked at Dean and tried to understand what went wrong… There was definitely something wrong with his shoulder.

“What happened to your shoulder?” Castiel asked, taking a small step forward. Dean replied to him by taking one back. Castiel stopped and clenched his jaw.

“Don’t follow me. Don’t try and have a talk with me,” Dean said. He turned to walk away, but he turned back around and said, “Please? Just… please? Leave me be.”

“I will,” Castiel replied automatically, because what else was he going to say?

Dean nodded at him, and he hesitated for a moment before he said, “Be careful, okay? This stunt that you just pulled right now… it won’t go unnoticed by…her.”

“She’ll know.”

Dean just nodded at him.

“I’m not scared of her,” Castiel said with a slight shrug.

Something close to a determined heat burned in Dean’s eyes, and Castiel’s inside swelled up. “I know you’re not. But still; be careful.”

And then he turned around and walked away from Castiel. 

* * *

The amount of pain his body was going through right now was blinding. Dean clenched his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut as she relentlessly whipped at his back. He knew that she has broken the skin by now but he couldn’t do anything, but stay where he was at.

“I told you before,” she whipped at him. “Any sort of interaction with that scum will get you in trouble. And you go ahead and talk to him?” She screeched as she brought down the whip again and it hit him around his eyes. Momentarily, he was glad that he had closed his eyes. Or this would have blinded him.

“What, did you think I wouldn’t know that you met him?” She was suddenly there, close to him. She yanked his head back by grabbing his hair. Dean let out a whimper and his eyes snapped open.

She looked livid, her eyes wide open and scared. She also looked panicked. And there was madness in her eyes that Dean had seen way too many times. Dean swallowed and tried to speak, but he couldn’t form word. It was as if his mouth had been sewn shut.

“I should never let you leave this house,” she hissed at him. “Why would you do this to me?” Her jaw clenched and she continued to stare at him. As he stared back, he didn’t know what his face looked, because her face cleared and her mouth dropped open. She looked at him in realization and moments later she straightened. “You still have feelings for him.”

Dean frowned and quickly shook his head. “No,” the whispered words left his mouth in a breath.

“You still feel the need to… to talk to him,” Amara said, her face clearing. “You still need him. Just like he needs you.”

She turned her back on him and he stared at her back. She was wearing a red dress today, the length of it kissing the floor as she slowly walked away from him. Her back was rigid and he could see the tension there. She leaned forward on the table, the whip dangling from her hand. They were in her office and Dean stared as a drop of blood hit the ground. So he was right. His skin did break. This was going to be a pain to recover from. But then he was being punished for something he hasn’t done, right?

“Punishing you like this, won’t make a difference,” Amara said finally. Dean didn’t know what she was thinking, but the way she worded it, made Dean’s skin prickle. “Physically damaging you, won’t make any difference. I have to do something else, for you to get the message…”

It took Dean a moment to realize what she was talking about. Feeling unsteady, he stood up. His back screamed with the protest of him moving so quickly, but he ignored it. “Don’t do anything, mistress.”

She turned around and looked at him with cold eyes. “Who are you to tell me what to do?” she demanded from him with equally cold voice.

“You don’t want them to be on you for…whatever you’re planning on doing,” he said, his mouth feeling heavy. He knew that he was going to black out soon, but he needed to be sure that she wouldn’t do anything.

She walked to him and slapped him across the face. “Don’t you fucking dare tell me what to do. I don’t give a damn if they will come after me.”

“Mis-“

“Enough!” she shrieked. Dean snapped his mouth shut with a click. “Get out.”

Dean nodded and turned to walk away. He grabbed his T-shirt from the couch, since he had to take it off for her. He slowly put it on, wincing as the fabric grazed his back, but he kept walking. When he was out of there, he quickly made his way through the apartment, and out the front door. The elevator couldn’t come up fast enough for him to get out of here.

Once he rode it down, he made his way to his car, got in and drove it out of there. He needed to get back to his apartment as fast as he could. He needed to get to his other phone. Whether he was under her control now, he still needed to… he still needed to do something about this. A warning to someone would do it.

He drove his car fast, even breaking the law on his way. But he didn’t care about it. There was something like a burning fire that had settled over his chest. He hadn’t felt that for years, but right now? Right now he needed to go back to his apartment. He needed to protect what had been his.

When he got to his apartment, he walked in to his bedroom and started to search for the box where he kept his old stuff. He found it at the very back, a black colored box which held bunch of knick-knacks, and a phone. An old beat up phone that he had to use in case of emergencies. He grabbed it, and noticed that it was out of battery. He was quick to plug it in to charge, and when it was starting to, he hesitated. Was he about to use this phone to alert Castiel’s family about the oncoming assault? He didn’t know what was going to happen, or when it was going to take place, but this was an emergency, right?

He waited for the phone to charge and he opened up his contacts. There were a few of them, but he needed only one of them. So he pressed on Castiel’s contact number, and opened up the messaging application. He sent a blank message to Castiel, knowing that he would know what it meant.

Dean sagged down on the floor and closed his eyes. His heart hammering away.

For the first time since they had broken things off, Dean had been nothing but loyal to his bosses after Castiel. Especially to Amara. But right now, he had gone ahead and broke that trust and loyalty. And for what? For making sure that the man who was responsible for the killing of his daughter to know about the oncoming assault?

He closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall. He was screwed. Amara was definitely going to kill him after this. But… it would be worth it.

He was so into Amara. For years, he had no thoughts of Castiel and where he was or what he was up to. But changing words with each other, today at the park made him realize that he was not over Castiel. He was still so in tune with the man, so much into him. When he first noticed Castiel, Dean felt the box where he had kept everything Castiel related slide away from him. There was no such thing as a Castiel box in his heart. He was feeling everything he had ever felt towards that man again.

Dean could feel a tear sliding down his cheek as he felt the pain he felt when he walked away. The love he felt for Castiel. The brightness that that man had lit up in his heart. And now, all of those emotions were being glossed over with this realization; he didn’t want Castiel to die.

Yes, they weren’t together, and he was with Amara now, but… knowing that Castiel was out there somewhere, being aware of him, made Dean feel secure in living his life. Being able to go out at ass crack of dawn and be safe. Knowing that he still had protection of the people, knowing that he was untouchable.

Of course, this could also be the other way around, where people didn’t give a shit who he was and who he belonged to. And also, Castiel could’ve easily tell his men to not keep an eye out on him. But then today was different, wasn’t it? Castiel wouldn’t have easily known that he would be in the park at that exact moment. Dean was positive that Castiel’s men were keeping an eye on him.

Something warm and sure settled over his chest.

He just hoped that his warning would be enough to help Castiel out from this.

* * *

Castiel baked when he was restless. When he came home from the park, he mostly kept himself away from everyone, tucking himself with a good book in the library, in his favorite nook. It started to snow again and the house was warm. Castiel had sat there for hours before his stomach started to rumble with hunger, so he had to go to the kitchen and get something to eat.

Anna had asked him earlier what he wanted to eat, but Castiel had refused any offer of food, since he didn’t feel like eating back then. He had no appetite.

Right now, he was baking. He was making Crème Brulee since he needed something to keep his mind occupied with nothing but the task at hand. He was quick and deft in his motions. He placed the tray in the refrigerator to freeze before he had to do the next step, when Lora came in to the kitchen. Castiel at her for a second, before he shut the door and turned to the counter to clean up after himself.

She hesitated for a moment, before she came further in. She went to the refrigerator, grabbed a bottle of water and drunk from it. Castiel could feel her eyes on him, as he placed the dirty bowls and mixer in the sink, to take care of it later. Knowing Lora well enough, he knew that the staring was going to last forever until one of them cracked. The last hundreds of times it had been Castiel. Right now, it was no different, since Castiel sighed and turned to look at her.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

She looked at him with round eyes, and shook her head. “Nope.”

Castiel sighed and said, “Lora, I know you have stuff that you have wanted to tell me since-“

“Yes, you are right, I do have stuff to tell you,” she said, and Castiel snapped his mouth shut. “God,” she muttered, shaking her head. “I have been so angry with you, and so bitter that I…”

“It’s okay,” Castiel said softly, frowning at her as she shook her head again.

“No, no, it’s not okay, Mr. Novak,” she said. “This was never okay to begin with. You were happier.” She said and she took couple of steps to him. “You were so happy when he was in your life. I have never seen you like that before.”

“Lora…”

“I know, I know! It’s been years, I should let this go. Hell, I should’ve already forgotten about it, but I can’t. I have tried. So many times, but I just… I can’t, okay?” Lora’s eyes teared up and Castiel’s face turned one of sadness.

He walked to her and cupped his cheek with one hand, while the other gripped her elbow. “It’s alright.”

“I’m sorry,” she said and sniffed.

“I understand where you are coming from,” he said and he squeezed her arm before he let go. “I, uh, I saw him today.”

She looked at him with her eyes wide open. “Are you going back together?”

Castiel grimaced and shook his head. “No… we just met in the park.”

“That’s gr-“

But her words had been cut short because there was a groundbreaking sound coming all around them and the wall of the kitchen that looked out to the gardens got blown off. Castiel dragged Lora in front of his chest and they ducked down behind the counter. He gripped at her tightly, as another wall was taken down. She screamed, her legs thrashing with being scared, and Castiel held her closer to him.

Their surroundings caught fire and Castiel’s insides seized with panic. He didn’t let it get to him too much. If he wanted to live, he had to think of ways to get out here. With a quick thinking, he realized that he had two options right now; 1. Stay here until the people who were attacking his own goddamn house were satisfied by the damage they caused, and then leave from their hiding place, or 2. He could try and get close to where he knew the floorboards kept some of their weaponry and ammunitions.

Second option seemed to be the winning part of the argument, because he started to disentangle himself from Lora, to move to the floorboard that was _right there._ But she had a dead grip on his shirt and she kept whispering pleas for him to not leave her. “Lor, Lora, listen to me. Listen! I’m not leaving you here alone, okay? I just need to get to that floorboard, okay?”

“Я не хочу у-умирать! ( _I don’t want to die!_ )” she sobbed, tears streaming down her face. “I don’t want to die. I don’t want to fucking die! Не оставляй меня _(don’t leave me)_!”

“Успокойся ( _calm down_ )! I'm not leaving. I'm right here,” he said, as another part of the house got hit again and everything shook from the impact. “Here, hold my hand.” He grabbed her hand in a death grip and she took a shaky breath and held on for dear life.

Castiel, breathing heavily, moved slowly. There was too much soot and dust in the air, and Castiel coughed heavily as he accidentally inhaled the air. Now that he was determined to get his hands on their weaponry, he realized that his house was on fire and he was sweating through his clothes. With one hand, he managed to get the floorboard up and he sighed in relief when he saw the first thing in there was the bazooka.

Desperate times needed desperate measures.

He grabbed it and hauled it out. Lora tightened her hold in his hand. She was probably scared shitless from seeing so many weapons. He grabbed 3 ammunitions from there and slid back up and sat close to her.

“Grab my bicep, I need my hands for this.” Thankfully, she didn’t say anything else, as she quickly released his hands and latched onto his bicep. Castiel quickly loaded the bazooka and took a deep steading breath. “Lor?”

“Yes, Mr. Novak?”

“I need you to let go of my arm, because I need to fire this at those assholes outside, да ( _yeah_ )?” She nodded and released him.

“Пожалуйста, будь осторожен ( _Please, be careful_ ),” she whispered. Castiel didn’t reply to her.

He hadn’t used bazooka in, well ever really, but he knew _how_ to use one, so he went with his gut instinct. He kneeled, rested some of the weight on the counter, and looked through the hole. In a far, far distance he could some people in suits and black SUV cars, standing and laughing and firing up his house as if there wasn’t inside and it was just a warehouse for them to demolish.

Anger licked at Castiel’s insides like red hot wire. He aimed it at them and without thinking much of it, pulled the trigger. The impact made him lose his balance, but seconds later there was the satisfactory sound of explosion and Castiel ducked down a bit. Lora was pale and shaking, her face covered in soot and dirt, tear tracks on her cheeks, as she stared wide eyed, in front of her.

Castiel’s inside turned to cold fury. He had sworn to protect his family, and these assholes thought they could get away with demolishing what he had built in years. Well, fuck those people.

He quickly got another bullet in the bazooka and got in position. He looked through the hole to see if there was anything left of them, when he saw some of the men limping their way to the other SUV that was a little bit way off where they had originally stood at. They were close to the car, when Castiel didn’t even think twice as he aimed his next shot at the car. This time he was ready for the impact and Castiel looked upon them as the car exploded and several men had blasted right fuck off the sight.

Castiel sagged, but didn’t relax. He dropped the bazooka down, and went to where his other weaponry rested at. He quickly grabbed a shotgun (a Saiga 12 SBS 6-1/2”) from there with two packs of ammunition, just in case of an attack. He didn’t know what would wait for him when he got out of here, but he had to go and check. He had no idea where his men were, or if any of them were alive by this point. At the back of his head, he hoped that Alfie was at home with his mama, then here, before he looked at Lora.

“You have to stay here,” he said to her when she looked at him. The protest didn’t even make it passed her lips when he heard a snap on the ground. He quickly placed his hand on her mouth to keep her quiet. He didn’t dare move, or breath, since he could hear whoever it was that was close to the house, slowly made its way through the ruble.

 _‘Stay’,_ Castiel mouthed at Lora, who could only nod, her eyes still wide. Castiel managed to quickly attach the bullets to the gun before he stood up and aimed it at the intruder. The intruder wasn’t one of Castiel’s so he was quick to shot the guy in the chest and then head. The man went down with a grunt, the squeak that Lora let out, from being this close to Castiel, was drowned as another man barreled through the same opening, and tried to shoot Castiel, but he was quick again.

“Fuckin’ hell,” Castiel cursed under his nose, as he ducked down again behind the counter. “Fucking _damn it._ ”

“How can I-how can I help?”

Castiel stared at her scared face, half out of his head, when he grabbed a smaller gun and thrust it on her. “Aim at the person closest to you, and shoot. If you miss that’s fine. Just make sure they’re not family.”

“Aim, shoot, got it.”

“And please, for the love of everything, be careful,” Castiel knelt behind the counter, using it as his own barrier against the people that kept coming in, as he shot at them quickly and as fast as he could.

Lora knelt beside him with a cry of her own and she blindly started to shoot at them. They were firing at them also, of course, but Castiel was quick and precise in his shooting. There were at least 7 bodies on the ground by the time the two of them were done shooting.

Castiel stood up, his chest heaving with breathlessness. He heard a crunch and fast approaching footsteps, and he internally groaned. He got his shotgun ready to aim and fire, when he heard a familiar voice yell, “It’s me! Don’t shoot!”

Castiel sagged in relief as Balthazar turned the corner and Castiel noticed that he was covered in blood.

“Who the fuck were these people and how the fuck did they manage to come into my territory?”

“I have no idea how they managed to get in, unless they killed Vladimir and his idiots. And I bet my white ass that these were _her_ people.”

“Fucking hell,” Castiel sighed.

“Let’s get out of here, boss,” Balthazar moved to help him, but Castiel shook his head.

“I’m fine. Grab her,” Castiel said, nodding at Lora, who was staring at the gun in her hand.

Castiel could hear how Balthazar talked to her as if she were a spooked up animal, but Castiel paid them no attention. His eyes were drawn to his phone on the ground as he turned around the counter. He bent down and grabbed it with his free hand. He cleaned some of the soot from the screen and he unlocked it. He saw that he had 1 message. The message he got before all of this happened.

Heart beating fast in his chest, he pressed on it and saw that it was a blank message. From the emergency phone that he gave to Dean.

Dean had sent him the blank message to give him a warning.

Castiel’s hand dropped, as the phone slipped through his fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me your thoughts please <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No messages.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, sensitive subject ahead.  
> It's a scene that I've never written before so I don't have any idea if I captured that right, or not. But, here goes nothing, I guess.

Castiel checked his phone about fifth time before he gave up on it. Dropping his hand to his side, he looked out of the window of the penthouse that they were hiding in currently. The city bellow was quiet and dark. It had been raining nonstop for house and the buildings were dark and covered by the lower clouds. There were some lights here and there flickering on and off, but otherwise, all was calm. By the time they got here and settled in, it was well into the night, and now, it was already 4 am in the morning. Lora was sleeping the day off, opting to stay in Castiel’s care than to leave with Balthazar and his men. Alfie was here as well. He was sitting upright, but now, judging from the soft way he was breathing, and the occasional snoring, Castiel was sure he fell asleep.

Nowhere was safe. Not even this penthouse. The good thing about this place was that not a lot of people knew about it. The bad thing about this place was, one of the walls that looked upon the city was covered in windows.

And he was standing right in the middle of it.

Since they got here, he’d been thinking of going and taking a shower, but he couldn’t move. He couldn’t relax his guard enough to go and shower. He clenched his jaw and took deep steadying breaths, like Mrs. Tran had taught him for relaxation, but it wasn’t working. He was too worked up to relax. His body was unresponsive to his ministrations. There was that nagging feeling at the back of his skull; as if there was something more that there was going to happen.

Balthazar told him to relax tonight and they would come up with a plan tomorrow. They would have to take care of this mess, or they would be marked as weak. Castiel had saw the look in Balthazar’s eyes as he said this and he knew that Balthazar was right. Castiel had neglected his duty as a Don and he had gotten weak in time, and more relaxed… of course, he still had that respect and people were still terrified of him, but because of one person, he had turned into a weak person in his enemy’s eyes. And because of that, people were going to get hurt.

Castiel sighed and checked his phone one last time, before he placed it in his pocket and pushed away from the window. Castiel’s lips twitched up into a smile as he spotted Alfie on the couch; he looked like a human version of a sloth as he slept. His head was tilted back and his mouth was slack. Castiel smiled fondly at his upturned face. Castiel walked toward him and ran his hand through Alfie’s hair, as he gently woke him up. His eyes fluttered open and he looked at Castiel. It took him a second before he jerked upright, wiping at his mouth. His cheeks flushed as he stood up, and tried to smooth out the wrinkles on his suit.

“Sorry, boss,” his words were slurred because of sleep. Castiel smiled at him, again.

“Go and rest in one of the guest bedrooms,” Castiel replied. “There’s bathroom and a shower. I’m positive there might be some change of clothes there too.”

“Are you sure, sir?” Alfie asked, looking and sounding hesitant. But also hopeful. They all needed to rest before sunrise.

“Of course,” Castiel replied. “Go with casual clothes. You don’t have to be so uh… formal.”

“We are having a casual day?” Alfie asked tilting his head to the side, looking younger like this. Castiel resisted the urge to ruffle his hair again.

“Yes,” Castiel replied.

“Oh, thank god,” Alfie mumbled, and Castiel chuckled at him. They stared at one another and then Alfie frowned, “You look tired, sir. I think you should go to bed and try and sleep off the day, too. We have a long day tomorrow.”

Castiel nodded and clapped him on the shoulder, “Yeah. I will go to bed soon. I just want to have something to drink first.”

“Want some company?” the question left Alfie’s mouth before Castiel finished his sentence. While the thought was tempting, Castiel needed to have the night to himself. He said so to Alfie, not the first part, who only nodded and went to one of the guest bedrooms. The door shutting behind him softly.

Castiel walked to the mini bar and poured himself a glass of whiskey. The rain had picked up, Castiel could hear. The living room was dark but it illuminated by the thunder that ripped through the sky. Castiel slowly made his way back to the window again, to look down at the city.

It was dark outside, some lights here and there, flickered on and off, as the tenants of other buildings puttered around their own apartments. Castiel took a sip from his drink and looked down. There were 3 black jeeps in front of the building and across it. He knew that his men were down there. Few of them standing outside the door. Castiel wanted nothing else but to send everyone home to rest, but they wouldn’t budge.

In this case, Balthazar wouldn’t budge. He knew, because he tried to convince them to go about an hour or two ago, but they simply shook their heads. So he made them coffees and took it out. They were hesitant at first, but then they agreed, with a joke or two, and took the mugs from him.

Castiel sighed again, and finished off his drink. He placed his hand in his pocket, but it was empty. Heart seizing up in his chest, he turned around to find his phone sitting on the bar. He probably placed it there when he was making his drink, and didn’t notice it. He went to it, placed his empty glass on the counter and unlocked his phone.

No messages.

He knew that he wasn’t going to get any messages anymore, but there was still hope in his heart. A stupid childish hope that one day, Dean Winchester was going to turn around and come back to him.

Castiel swallowed around the lump in his throat. He grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the neck and simply took a gulp from it. The alcohol burnt down his throat and he gasped out a bit from it. He didn’t want to get drunk tonight, well, morning already, since he had to have a meeting in a couple of hours. He didn’t know what he was going to do. Everything was a mess in his head.

He wanted to have Dean back. Castiel wanted him to be safe. He wanted to destroy everything that Amara managed to build in the last couple of years, right under Castiel’s nose. He hadn’t realized how much power she managed to gain in this time. And for Dean to go right into her arms…

There was something about Dean though, when he saw him. There was sadness, and weariness coming from the man. He didn’t look like he was a happy person. He just looked…resigned. And what was that flinch about? When Castiel tried to touch him… Maybe he just didn’t want to be touched by Dean? But that couldn’t be true, right? Castiel closed his eyes. There was so much to think about, in so little time.

For now, though, he needed to concentrate on the attack plan on her. Once that was taken care of, he could concentrate on bringing Dean back to a balanced mindset.

Easier said, than done.

* * *

Dean slid down the wall when the room started to swim. He let out a shuddering breath as he was sat down on the ground. There was something on the TV, probably the news from the day, still playing at this hour of the evening. But he didn’t pay it attention. There was this cloudy feeling that was starting from the back of his neck, and into the front of his head that could only mean that the drug was working.

The syringe was still inside his vein, but he paid it no mind. His thoughts were beginning to cloud over in tandem. And the next thing he knew, there was nothing but a white noise in his ears.

Dean sat there, staring at the screen, trying to make out what he was seeing. He blinked couple of times, as the screen flickered from one scene to another. There was a smoke coming out of a house, and the red banner with big white letters covering it, saying;

**CASTIEL “Angel of Death” NOVAK’S HOUSE ON FIRE;**

_Novak and crew – gone; missing._

That was the reason why Dean was feeling this way, wasn’t it? That they didn’t find anyone in the house… maybe he got burnt to dust that’s why they couldn’t find him. The thought that maybe Castiel wasn’t in the house; that maybe he got the message on time and left the house unattended; that maybe he wasn’t in the house when the bitch decided to attack; was overwhelming. 

He felt overwhelmed with feelings, and that’s why he went for his stash and got out everything he could find and started to take them. One after the other, and the next thing he knew the drugs hit him hard and here he was. Sitting on the ground. Sweating and shivering through it all. His mind was blank. This is what he wanted. Not to feel grief, or pain, or any other emotion that were unwelcome. He didn’t want to feel how much his body was stinging from the punishment he had received from her either. All he wanted was this numbness.

He knew that he had to go to her soon when the sun would come out. He needed to know what the next step was, right? Because he was still part of her… family, if you’d call it that. Dean needed to pull himself-

He turned to the side and started to vomit. The dinner he had tonight came out in bursts. The force of it shaking him and toppling over to the side. He braced himself on his arms as his insides left his body and onto the floor in front of him. The smell of it all hit his nose, it was so bad, that he started to cough and dry heave, trying to get it out as much as he could. But there was nothing else to let out. He was done.

Dean slid down on the ground, right in the vomit, but he didn’t care. This was better than thinking, anyway. He just needed to rest, and wait for the room to stop swimming. Then he’d be up to shower and clean up.

Right now, he needed to rest. So that’s what he did.

* * *

“She will attack again,” Balthazar said, looking down at the map of the city on the dinner table. It was marked with red and blue marks for their safe houses and hers.

“Of course she will, but we don’t know how or when she will,” Alfie said. His young voice laced with nervous shakiness that Castiel understood.

“How can you be sure that it was her?” Lora asked. She wasn’t supposed to be here, because she wasn’t part of this, but Castile wanted her here, and he wanted to see her. For safety reasons. He was being paranoid.

“Who else would it be?” Balthazar asked, shrugging. “I don’t think anyone would be dense enough to try and do this without thinking about the consequences.”

Lora frowned and looked down at the mug of tea she was holding in her hands. She opened her mouth, as if to argue, but Castiel cut her off. “It was her, Lor,” he said.

Before he went to have some shut eye, Castiel took a shower and then changed into comfortable sweatpants and a T-shirt. He was still wearing them when Balthazar arrived couple of hours later. So he pulled out his phone from his sweatpants pocket, and placed it face up on the table. “I got the message.”

“Message?” asked Alfie. “From who?”

“Dean,” Castiel said. Everyone shifted as he said his name. Castiel swallowed and continued, trying not to look at them. “I got him this phone for emergencies, years ago when he was still…” Castiel frowned, looking down at the map. “I told him to send me a blank message when there was something dangerous that was going to happen, and he needed to warn me about it.” Castiel shrugged, and finally, he looked up at his family. They were staring at him with blank expressions; the only person that was showing a sign of emotion was Lora, but Castiel chose to ignore that for now. “So that’s what he did. He sent me a blank message from that phone yesterday. Which I saw after the attack.”

Nobody said anything as they processed this new information about the arrangements; Lora sipped at her tea and looked up at Balthazar from the corner of her eyes. He was pursing his lips, he looked like he was contemplating whether to say anything about this, or not. But he thought better off it, and just frowned.

They all had thoughts about why Dean decided to give Castiel a heads up over this. Of course they did, but no one dared to say anything. No one had ever been given permission to say anything about his and Dean’s arrangements from the start.

There had been an incident, of course, years ago, where one of Balthazar’s men said “he’s just a whore” about Dean. It was safe to say that nobody ever heard of that man anymore.

Alfie was the one to break the silence. “Has he contacted you after that?” Castiel shook his head.

“Have you tried to contact him?” Lora asked next. Castiel stared at Lora for a second, but he shook his head again. “Okay…” she hesitated before she grabbed her phone and unlocked it. She tapped on it and then she placed it on the table and pushed it close to him. Castiel frowned at her, and then looked at the screen. “Because the news don’t look so good about you.”

Castiel stared at his own face, and a blurry picture of his house, burnt to a crisp, police cars surrounding it. The headline basically stated that he was dead, or missing from the house. His heart sped up as he kept reading the article. It was…horrible. To say the least. And wrong on some places, but Castiel just skimmed through it. From the outsider, it looked like he was dead… Dean probably thought he was dead. He breathed out through his nose and placed the phone back down on the table. He had to contact Dean and tell him that he was alive. He took a deep breath to say so, when Balthazar cut him off.

“No.”

They all looked at him. Balthazar was shaking his head.

“No. You are not allowed to contact him. This can be used for our advantage. You’re not going to jeopardize this operation.”

“What operation? We don’t have a steady plan.”

“I don’t care!” Balthazar snapped. It made Alfie and Lora jump up. Castiel’s jaw ticked as Balthazar looked at him with rage in his eyes. “You’re just going to make things worse. My God, can you for one second think about your own men and not your boy toy.”

“Balthazar!” Lora gasped out and turned to look at him with rage in her eyes.

Castiel held up his hand to silence Lora; she gritted her teeth together, but stayed silent.

“I know how you feel about him,” Castiel said. “I know how much you think he’s the reason why we are here. But you also know how we’ve been at war with the Italians for years now. And it didn’t stop with Alastair dying.” Castiel took a deep breath. He leaned forward on the table, and closed his eyes. “His men didn’t die with him. His life didn’t die with him.”

“I’m worried that you being worried about Dean will not keep your head in the game. You do know we are going to see him, right? And he’ll probably be by her side.”

“How can you be sure about this?” Lora demanded, swiveling around in her chair to look at Balthazar more properly. “What if she’s treating him in such way that he won’t even care about her.”

“Then good for us if he’s not been so brainwashed to see that she’s not so evil,” Balthazar replied with a shrug. He sat by the table, on a vacant chair, and shrugged again looking at them all in the face. “I don’t hate the man, really, I don’t. But I feel like he’s going to be a problem when shit hits the fan.”

“He’s sent a warning message to Mr. Novak, though,” Alfie mentioned helpfully. Balthazar just gave him a blank look.

“Shit already hit the fan, Balthazar,” Lora said, frowning slightly. “Now, can we focus on more important stuff? Like, Mr. Novak being a target to some psycho bitch?”

Balthazar rolled his eyes, but didn’t say anything. So they started to plan their next move. Which took the whole day. It was afternoon when Anna came in with fresh groceries to start making them food. Castiel had hugged her when she first came in, and she gripped him tight back. She was getting slightly older and wrinkly, but she was still strong on her feet.

Castiel had apologized to her about all of this, but she gave him a stern look and told him to “pull yourself together, young man” and to concentrate on more important stuff. Castiel kissed her forehead and went back to the table.

There had been a steady income of ideas of what to do and who to contact for these actions to take place. He knew for a fact that the Trans family would be by his side with no hesitation. The Germans were a bit of a problem, since they were more involved in drug dealing. And it was already confirmed that Dean was using… and if he was using then he was definitely getting his stash from them, since they had the best drugs in the city. Castiel had to play his cards right, here. Because he wanted for them to stop selling it to Dean, but then he had to do it carefully so as to not draw too much attention to that form of action. He also needed for the Germans to be by his side in this case, because they were a good asset to have. He’d have to have a meeting with Aaron again.

There were the Irish too, who were too quiet to the people outside of their family. He didn’t like it because it always took too much out of his energy to even get a straight “yes” from them. He’d have to talk to them as well. He didn’t have high hopes for them to join them, since Rowena took place as the head of the “clan”, as they liked to call themselves. She was extremely powerful, and if Castiel could get her to be by his side, he’d have no doubts he’d win this fight and get out unscathed.

Thinking that he was done with the Italian family back then was a mistake that he never thought he’d do.

He breathed through his nose, in and out, as his heart rate started to spike up again. His left side felt weak, and he had to sit down and place his arm on his leg. He tried not to look as if he wasn’t feeling well, but his blood pressure was steadily going up. He took deep breaths and closed his eyes as he exhaled. He did this couple of times, until the ringing in his ears stopped, heart rate slowly went down, and his arm didn’t feel as heavy as it did before.

Castiel needed to rest for a bit, so he got up from the chair, and without saying a word, made his way to his bedroom. Nobody asked after him, which was a relief. He went to his bedroom, and closed the door after him. The bed was made since he didn’t sleep in his bedroom last night. He didn’t sleep much. Maybe that’s why he was suddenly feeling so lightheaded. He toyed off his slippers, and laid down on the bed. Few seconds later, he was asleep.

_Castiel woke up with a start. He sat up and realized that he was in a small box. There was a shadow of a light coming from a hole, right in front of him. Calming down his breathing he leaned forward and saw his old office, but it didn’t look right. It looked much older and more filled than it had been when Castiel sat there._

_There were other leather couches around the room that he recognized from being on couple of times when his father used to take care of the business. With a jolt he realized what was happening; he looked down at his hands and saw how small they were. He was having a dream-memory again, but this time he was a little boy and he was hiding in the wall elevator, which he didn’t remember had been there. It had been such a long time ago when he used to sneak around and see what his dad used to do in his office…_

_Feeling nervous, he moved forward again to see what was happening, and which memory this was. His father was close to the windows and he was having a smoke. His dad loved to smoke. Mother hated it._

_A man in an immaculate grey suit sat by the desk, toying with a glass of whiskey. “I don’t think it’s wise of you to do that, Mr. Novak.” His voice was a low drawl, which sent a shiver down Castiel’s spine._

_“I don’t know what else to do here, Barth,” his dad replied, with a shake of his head. “He’s too young for this life, but at the same time-“_

_“You must start training him young. I’m doing just that with my kids. The son is old enough to understand the life we’re living. Daughter, is still too young.”_

_“Your son is only 13 years old. And Castiel is 9. He is too young.”_

_The man – Barth – scoffed at his father and shrugged, saying, “He had his first kill a week ago.”_

_“Jesus, Barth,” his father’s disapproval was clear in his voice. He shook his head and turned to look at Barth. “That kid is going to grow up in all sorts of wrong ways. Mark my words.”_

_“And what about Lucifer?”_

_“What about him?” he could see his father’s shoulder tensing._

_“He’s got some loose screws up in here,” Barth said, tapping his forehead lightly._

_His father sighed and turned around to give Barth a tired face. “I know. Don’t you think I don’t know? I know. He’s…difficult. But he’s going to be okay. Soon. I don’t know.”_

_“You named him after the devil. He won’t ever be okay.”_

_“Barth-“_

_“I’m just saying. We are both screwed up in here. Naming our kids after the angels and the devils left and right…”_

_“We were young, and stupid.”_

_“Not that young, Novak.”_

_“Hmm.”_

_“Don’t you think our kids would get along?”_

_“Lucifer or Gabriel?” his father scoffed, as he sat down in his chair. “Don’t be stupidly suicidal.”_

_Barth laughed with his father. They went quiet for a moment. Barth looking down at his hands, and his father looking at Barth. Few minutes passed by like this, and then Barth said._

_“I worry about him,” he said. “I know, I just said he isn’t young for this life, but there’s so much…evil in him.”_

_“Oh, come on, you can’t-“_

_“I’m serious. He’s got this evil look in his eyes that I don’t like seeing. He is just…” He grew quiet after that. His father waited for him to continue, but nothing came. Barth finished his drink and then checked the time on his wristwatch. “I have to go back soon.”_

_“Going back to being evil enemies, then.”_

_“It’s fun!” Barth insisted with a grin._

_“Is it really?” his father asked._

_“You know it,” Barth said with a wink. He placed his, now, empty glass on the desk and stood up. “Good talk.”_

_“Take care of your kids,” his father advised, standing up and walking around the desk towards Barth. They hugged each other, very tightly, Castiel assumed. They stayed like that for a bit longer than it was considered to be polite, but then they moved away from each other._

_“You take care of yours as well,” Barth said, while wiggling his finger at his father._

_“I’m serious, Barth,” he said, with a worried frown. “If you are careless with this, it’s going to be hard later on in life.”_

_“I know, I’m not that worried about Alastair,” Barth said with a shrug. “Amara’s…unique. I’m going to try and raise her differently than what I did with Alastair. Unless he will meddle with the raising, then it’s all out of my hands.”_

_“I know you’ll try your best,” his father said. He clapped Barth on the back, and they walked towards the doors of the office._

Castiel’s eyes fluttered open and he blankly stared at the ceiling. This was something that he had forgotten. He was 9 when he witnessed that meeting. Barth was the head of the Italian mob family then. He was Alastair and Amara’s father.

In secret he was his father’s closest friend and ally. But outside of the office, they were enemies.

Their allies thought they were enemies in real life, they didn’t suspect about their friendship or closeness. Castiel thought that his mother didn’t know about this either. But then one day, their friendship cracked and soon they were out there, actively trying to kill each other. Castiel never found out what made them hate each other so much and what had transpired between them for them to become real enemies, but he followed in his dad’s foot and continued the job that he didn’t finish.

Castiel wasn’t supposed to know about their meetings, and what they spoke about, but when Castiel grew up and became the rebellious teen, he had forgotten about it. But… his subconsciousness remembered, and he had a dream about it. He didn’t know why, or what it had to do with what he was going through now, so he just stowed it away in his mind, for later use.

Right now, he needed to take care of the mess that was his family house, and his men, and end the Italians for good, and hopefully get Dean out of there and back to him. If he wanted to, of course…

He just needed time.

Castiel closed his eyes and tried to remember how it felt having Dean beside him, or how it felt to just kiss him on the lips, a chaste kiss, but… there was nothing. Just him, in his apartment’s bedroom, staring at the ceiling and feeling miserable about his life and everything. He knew that he was being pessimistic, but he couldn’t help it.

In the end, thought, all was going to be well. It had to be well. But then, at what cost?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me your thoughts please, so I can actually start working on chapter 9 lol


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His eyes told a different story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one got 1k+ hits already! woohoo!  
> Also, as you can see I made a change on the Archive tag. This story is MCD. Like I said in the first chapter, it still stands strong. When it happens, there won't be a warning before the chapter.  
> Thank you for understanding.

****

Castiel was discreet about where he was currently living with his family. He didn’t go out as much he used to, but at the same time, he wasn’t hiding. His men kept the city up and running, taking care of the family who were depended on him and his protection. He made deals and broke some up. He kept it all down on the low, and it all worked out.

Now, Castiel was getting ready to attend a function which was raising money for children who were fighting cancer. The richest people in the city attended to this, and it always worked out for the best. He always made an appearance, left a hefty amount of money, spoke to the people he knew about for a bit, and then he went home. Every year, the crowd was the same, and every year, the count only went up, and tonight it was added by one more guest. Amara was going to be there.

Castiel looked at himself in the mirror; he was wearing a black suit, with a navy colored button down shirt. His hair was tamer than usual. He wore his family ring on his point finger. On his way out of the bedroom he grabbed his coat from the hanger, draped it over his arm. Alfie was waiting for him by the door so Castiel gave him the coat to hold. Alfie was going to be close by Castiel tonight for safety. They didn’t know what she had in mind.

“We are running a little bit late,” Balthazar said checking his time, as he stood up from the couch, when he saw Castiel come out of his bedroom. “We’ll stop by to get Charlie on the way.”

“Good. Let’s go then.”

The traffic was surprisingly light, so it didn’t take them long to get to Charlie’s place. When they were close by, Castiel texted her, telling her they were close by. So when they pulled over, she was already waiting for them on the front steps of her building. She was wearing a blue glittery dress. She had a navy blue coat on that went very well with the dress. It was crispy cold outside. So Castiel got out of the car faster and went close to her, as she descended the stairs. Her hair was up in a messy bun, and she had light make up on. She looked beautiful.

Castiel smiled at her as she got close to him. “Hey,” she said with a cheerful voice, her face radiant and happy.

“Hello, Charlie,” Castiel replied. He couldn’t help but smile back. “Ready to go?”

“Yup. As ready as I can be,” she said and Castiel offered her his arm. She looped her arm with Castiel’s and they slowly made their way to the car. Charlie greeted Alfie with a cheerful ‘hello’ and Alfie nodded at her. Once they were safely sat in the car, Alfie started to ride down the road again.

Castiel looked out the window, and at the dark luminous looking clouds, and thought that it was going to snow soon again. It was going to bask everything in white once again. Make it seem like it could blanket out the blood and every horror that took place in the city.

“Hey,” Charlie said, her voice low. Castiel turned to look at her. “Everything is going to be okay, yeah?”

“Of course,” Castiel said sincerely, thinking that she thought there was going to be a gun fight or something. So Castiel added, “Nobody will harm you. Don’t worry about it.”

“That’s not what I was –“ Charlie said, shaking her head, “I’m not scared of where we are going, because it’s a charity thing. And yeah, lots of rich people, which I may or may not have stolen from.” Castiel opened his mouth to reply to that, but she continued on. “And I know these things don’t happen in real life, but like, I don’t… I’m not scared of whose gonna draw their guns out first, not like that’s gonna happen in this event. Okay, that’s a little bit scary, but I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about this whole thing you are going through?” Castiel kept looking at her, because he didn’t realize what she was referring to. And she seemed to get what he meant by the silence, so she added, “With Dean? And the house?”

“Oh.” Castiel said, not knowing what else to say. In the end he settled for silence and looking out of the window again. After a moment, Charlie grabbed his hand, squeezed his fingers, and released it.

“Thank you for inviting me with you, by the way,” she said after a while.

“Not a problem,” Castiel said. “I needed a friend with me tonight.”

“And you don’t happen to have a dashing looking young man who would want to come with you to this thing?” she said, raising her eyebrows at him, her voice a bit lower from before. Castiel looked at her, and raised his own eyebrows at her. She tilted her head towards the front seat, where Alfie was, and Castiel scrunched up his face.

“No,” he said. “Don’t even think like that. Jesus.”

“I’m just saying. I have eyes, and I see things, and I know fo-“

“Thank you, Charlie, but really. No.”

Charlie shrugged and sighed, “Alright. I’ll stop playing a matchmaker.”

“Thank you,” Castiel replied with an eye roll. But his mouth lifted up in a half smile.

Alfie parked in front of the house where the charity was being held. He was quick to get out of the car to get Charlie’s door. And Castiel followed after him. He grabbed his jacket as well, and draped it over his shoulders.

The house was so big that Castiel was sure he’d get lost in there, and no one would be able to find him for a week unless they had a map of the place. It was built after World War second, and it was still up and in a good shape. It was the perfect place to hold such functions and charities.

Castiel hooked Charlie’s arm around his, and they both walked down the path that lead to the stairs. Staying at a respectful distance, and keeping a close eye to their surroundings, Alfie was just to his right side. His men were spreading out slowly around the grounds, Castiel noted. This was part of their arrangement for the night. To keep close and alert for sudden intrusions.

But Castiel’s path up the stairs was a hard one. As soon as someone noticed that it was actually him making his way up the stairs, he was being surrounded by the press. Charlie squeaked and shuffled closer to him, clutching his arm in a tight grip. Castiel’s jaw clenched as his men started to push the reporters away from him so he could enter the house without further interruptions. They kept yelling questions at him, wanting details about how he survived and who had attempted to blow up his house in order to kill him. And who was with him right now, was it a new love interest? Has he suddenly gone straight, without letting them know about it? He didn’t answer to any of these questions. Instead, he quickly made his way up the straight, with Charlie close to him. Once inside, the doors closed behind them with a bang.

Ignoring the looks they were receiving, Castiel turned his back to the crowed and faced Charlie, who seemed to be a little shaken. "Are you okay? I'm so sorry for that. I forgot there was going to be the press."

"Oh, yeah, yeah," she replied, nodding. "I'm fine. Honestly. A little surprised by the intensity of them being all up in your business and those questions? They have no shame whatsoever."

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Castiel replied in a low voice, and shook his head.

Charlie smiled at him, and reassured him that she was okay. Castiel pursed his lips for a moment, before nodding and turning around once more, and hooking her arm over his. They walked further in, and the people inside cleared the path for them. He hated receiving so much attention from everyone, but considering how they all, probably, thought he was dead, this was to be expected from them. A waiter walked up to them with flutes of champagne and Castiel took two glasses; one for him and one for Charlie.

After some time, a lot of people made their way to say hello to him and to not-so-subtly ask him who his new love interest was. Every time he got asked this, he declined their assumptions, and explained that she was a close and dear friend of his. Some of them outright laughed and made crass comments, some of them accepted this and moved on. The ones who made the comments received a cold smile in return. After a while, they stopped their chortling and apologized for their behavior.

"Wow," Charlie whispered to him, as they walked away from them.

"Hm?" Castiel asked, looking around himself, searching...

"I mean, I knew people feared you, but you just shut down those assholes with just one look."

Castiel took a sip of his champagne and shrugged, "Years and years of practice and lifestyle can give you that."

"I should hang out with you more, then," Charlie said with a smile.

Castiel huffed out a laugh and they made their way down the hallway and to the ballroom, where the charity was being held. 

The house was enormous from the outside, but words failed Castiel as he tried to take the ballroom in. There were at least five different types of chandeliers, and wall-lights to make the place lighter than usual. Even though the wallpaper was old, it was in a great shape. The flooring was wooden. There were at least hundreds of tables around the room, and some people were sitting in their respectful places for the ceremony to start. Castiel steered Charlie with him to the right direction to get to their table.

Once there, Castiel helped Charlie on her chair, and soon the lights dimmed and there was a small set up on a low stage. An elegant looking woman, with a low cut black dress, walked on the stage. She greeted them all with a humbleness that only a woman her age and pose could handle. Her greetings were met by clapping from some people around the room. She smiled at them, nonetheless, and continued her speech.

* * *

“You trying to make us look bad, Novak?” said one of the guests. His breath was sticking off whiskey, and he had bloodshot eyes, but he had a smirk on his face, so Castiel knew he wasn’t in too much trouble.

Castiel smiled back at him, and shrugged, replying, “Maybe next year you’ll stop being so greedy with your money, and leave it all to a good cause.”

His sentence was accepted with a loud, obnoxious laughter by the man, his new date, probably in her early twenties, tinkled at the comment by his side. Castiel was then clapped on his shoulder and he was left alone. He had wanted to make an anonymous donation, but then what was the point of it? Somehow they always found out who the anonymous person was. So he ended up writing the check on the stage, in front of everyone. He could hear the press photographing him as he signed the check, and the flashlights were starting to give him a headache, but he smiled through it all.

He walked towards the bar and ordered him a glass of whiskey. He surveyed the room with his eyes, keeping an eye out for Charlie, who went to the bathroom with a reluctant looking Alfie, and for a certain type of physique that would indicate that Dean came to this function with her. Castiel’s drink was set in front of him just as he heard the press go wild outside with their clicking of the cameras and shouting at whoever arrived for the function. He took a sip of his whiskey, and out of curiosity, turned around to look at the open doors and the two people who had arrived.

First, he noticed her. She was wearing a red dress that hugged her skinny body, making it look more angular and sharp than ever. The neck was low cut, making her pale chest stand out under the light. Her hair was down her body in curls, mostly resting on her back. Her makeup was light. Her jewelries accessorizing her wrists. Her eyes were cold and sharp, looking at every corner of the room, as if waiting for a threat. Amara had always been a beautiful woman, but her heart made her look like the ugliest creature on planet.

Castiel was about to take another sip of his drink, and turn his back on her and pretend she was there, but then… then he noticed him. He was wearing a suit that was clinging to his skin as a second glove. He was all in black. Black button down, black suit, black shoes. Castiel would think his hair was black as well, but that was a trick of the lights. Dean looked incredible. Castiel’s mouth dried as he walked after Amara. His steps sure and confident, no sign of distress at all. In his body language, at least, he looked confident.

But his face… his eyes… those told him something different. Told a different story.

Castiel’s heart clenched. Wanting nothing more than to walk up to him, and run with him. Far, far away from her, and everything. But he couldn’t do that so he had to wait. Again. He wasn’t his to do so.

Amara was talking to someone, engrossed in something that Castiel didn’t know, nor cared about. Dean, though, he was looking down at the ground, as if waiting for the ground to swallow him whole. To rescue him. That was usually what he looked like when he felt uncomfortable. But then, he didn’t know this Dean, did he? Then Dean lifted his head up to look at the ceiling. He looked bored and uninterested with whatever she was talking about. Yeah. Castiel still knew this side of Dean.

He lifted his glass once more to take a sip, but stopped short, when Dean’s eyes landed on him. Dean seemed to freeze, his eyes widening. Nothing seemed to exist for them both as they stared at one another. The noise seemed to disappear for Castiel, people seemed to disappear… Castiel’s eyes were for Dean to stare into. There was no one else in this house, but them. Only them for Castiel. Dean seemed to heave out an air, his shoulders relaxed down, and his chest seemed to deflate from it all. Dean stared at him a bit longer. His eyes moved to stare at her, for only a moment, then he swiftly moved away from Amara, who spared him a glance, and then went back to her conversation. She didn’t seem to have noticed that Castiel was there as well. She didn’t seem to care about where he was going. She has, probably, thought that he was going to go back to her like a well trained dogs did with their owners. She did own Dean. In every sense of the word.

Castiel hesitated for about 2 minutes, maybe longer, he wasn’t sure, before he placed the glass down at the nearest surface and walked down the hallway. He turned right, where there was a staircase to the second floor. He took the stairs up the second floor and stopped short. The hallway was filled with doors, firmly shut, on both sides. At the end of the hallway, there was a door, standing ajar. Castiel, trusting the hunch he had for the said door, made his way to it.

Swallowing, he made his way to the room. He hesitated for a moment, before he pushed the door further and walked inside. The room was dark, save for the lights that was coming in through the windows. He was standing right in front of the windows. His back was turned, and Castiel recognized those sets of shoulders. Castiel closed the door after him, and locked it for a good measure. Just to be safe. He walked to where Dean was standing. He stopped right beside him. Castiel spared him a glance, and then turned to look out of the window. The sky, even if it was dark outside, looked luminous and pregnant with snow. Looked like it was going to snow again.

“You’re alive,” Dean said, his voice low. He seemed tense, and his body was radiating discomfort that Castiel could feel from standing so far from him. Castiel didn’t know what to say. So he waited it out with Dean. “I’m not supposed to be doing this,” he continued, letting out a shuddering breath, “Last time I talked to you, you almost died.”

“Dean…”

“I can’t… I can’t do it again. I can’t just… live this life, without thinking of anyone.”

“Dean, it’s fine.”

“It’s not fine, Cas.” Dean said, and hearing his name falling so easily out of Dean’s lips made Castiel to turn and look at him. But Dean was still looking out of the window. His eyes closed, and his forehead wrinkled with worry. “The evening I spent that day… The day when she…” Dean clenched his jaw tightly, his lower lip wobbled a bit and Castiel’s heart clenched.

“Dean…” Castiel breathed and took a small step to him.

But Dean turned his back to Castiel, and shook his head. Without looking at him, he said, “Please don’t. Don’t touch me. I can’t handle it. If you do touch me I can’t handle it.” His voice shook with the restrain to hold back the emotions that wanted to spill out him. “I’m tired.”

Castiel licked his lips and said in a soft voice, “Then let me help you.”

Dean’s shoulders moved up and down as he breathed in and out, trying to calm down. In the end, he asked in a small voice, “How?”

“Come with me,” Castiel said. “Come with me, and you’ll be safe, and away from her.”

“She’ll wipe the city with your blood. She’ll go after everyone and anything I hold dear to me,” Dean said viciously. He turned to look at Castiel then, his face determined, but his eyes soft and broken, shining with unshed tears. “I’m sorry, but I have to leave now. I just wanted to know if you were okay.”

Castiel’s jaw clenched, and he didn’t say anything else. He just stared at Dean, memorizing how his face looked under the streetlights and how tired he looked. In the end, Castiel said, “This thing that she did, won’t go unnoticed by us. If she doesn’t know this, you tell her. If she’s so dear to you, and you can’t live your life without her, know that I won’t stop until she’s a bloodied and writhing mess underneath my feet.”

Dean’s face cleared, although, his mouth twitched up into a tired little smile, “I wouldn’t expect anything else from you.” And before Castiel could answer that, whatever even that meant, Dean turned around and walked out of the room. Opening and closing the door after him, with a soft click, the room was silent, safe for Castiel’s heavy breathing.

Castiel didn’t stay in the room for long, after Dean’s departure. Just long enough to get his breathing back to normal. He took steadying breaths and closed his eyes, counted to ten to calm down his racing heart. Once he was satisfied with his state, he walked to the door.

A white piece of paper laid on the ground when he reached to open the door. He frowned and dipped down to take it. He opened the paper and it said;

_~~tmw@ 10pm.myapt.burn this~~ _

Castiel stared down at the paper for a beat longer, before he started to look around the room for a tray where he could safely burn this. He hadn’t noticed it before, but there was a fireplace at the far side of the room, so he walked to it. And luck was on his side for the night, because there was a box of matches at the top of it. He grabbed the matches and squatted down in front of the fireplace. He was quick to destroy the piece of paper; the whole thing was done in about a minute. Once he was satisfied with it, he left the room. The writing on the paper still fresh in his mind’s eye.

Tomorrow, he was going to be seeing Dean. Castiel had no clue why Dean wanted to see him since he was loyal to that woman. But maybe he wasn’t as loyal as Castiel had thought him to be? Either way, Dean was risking his whole life by wanting to see Castiel like this. And Castiel was selfish enough to humor him like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me your thoughts.  
> I'm having a mini-panic attack cos I'm hitting a heavy writer's block :(


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don’t be a coward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm terrible at keeping you waiting for so long for updates. I've been very busy these past few weeks. I'm finally gonna be moving to America where I can live with my husband (!!!). And I don't have the time to sit down and actually write more chapters. For now, I only have this written, and no more chapters. So y'all gotta wait for... I don't know how long for the next update... I'm sorry for this inconvenience. I hope you'll understand.

Castiel was staring at the old door with mild impatience. Impatience, that was directed at himself. It seemed like his body was going against him as he tried to lift up his hand and knock on the door. But his arm didn’t move, and by default, his hand didn’t either.

He has left the house about 40 minutes ago. Balthazar had asked him where he was going, and then demanded Alfie to go with him, but Castiel refused to budge. So then he went and gotten his car from the garage and left the building in a record time. The streets weren’t icy, but the snow kept on coming. It seemed that it didn’t stop coming since it had started to snow yesterday. And by now the sidewalks and such were filled with snow.

Castiel had decided to go for casual clothes. A dark grey turtleneck with black jeans and boots. He had his coat on as well. He bit down on his lower lip, as he willed his arms to move and to remove his leather gloves, at the very least. Since they still refused to knock. So now that he was done with that, it wouldn’t be that hard to just knock on the door. What could happen? He would open the door, Castiel would step inside, and then… and then, Castiel didn’t know. There was only one way to find out the unanswered questions, wasn’t there?

“Don’t be a coward,” Castiel muttered to himself. He finally lifted his hand and knocked, once, at the old door.

He only had to wait about 30 seconds, not that he counted those seconds. And the door was unlocked and pulled open and there he was. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were bright. His hair was a mess on top of his head. He was wearing a T shirt underneath a plaid, unbuttoned, shirt. He had jeans on and he was barefoot. Castiel swallowed and looked up as Dean shuffled his feet.

“Hello, Dean.”

“Hey, Cas,” Dean replied. His voice sounded weird. Deep. Hesitant. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough to look like a foul.”

Dean gave him a smile, but he pulled away from the entry. A silent invitation to go inside. And Castiel walked inside. The door closed with a soft click after him. The apartment didn’t change all that much from the last time Castiel had been here. And that last time was about 7 years ago… The place looked more like a bachelor’s place now. There were no toys, or anything else that indicated there used to be a little girl living here. And why would it? An old ache made itself known to him deep in his chest, close to his heart. His left arm started to shake again. He concentrated at the furniture in the apartment, as he breathed in and out of his nose.

“Would you like a drink?” Dean asked, from behind him. He was far from him, but his voice sounded so close.

Castiel took a steadying breath, as he concentrated on his answer. “Sure. I’ll have what you’re having.”

Dean didn’t answer. Castiel could hear him puttering around the kitchen. Castiel walked toward the window and stared outside. The streets were quieter here, even though it was only around 10 pm at night. There were some people walking up and down the streets, though. A pack of stray dogs passed by, and Castiel smiled to himself, as one of the people on the street, got scared of them. It made him remember his pack, and before he could feel sad about it, there was a tap on his shoulder. Castiel turned around and Dean was standing there, with two mugs of steaming…

“Is that a hot coco?” Castiel asked, grabbing the mug and inspecting it himself.

“Yeah. I like having it while it’s snowing,” Dean replied with a small shrug.

“I didn’t know that.” It slipped out of his mouth before he could think better about it.

They stared at one another for a moment., but neither of them said anything. Dean was the first one to avert his gaze and turned to walk to the couch. “Why aren’t you taking off your coat?” Dean asked, as he sat down and sipped at his coco. Castiel moved to place the mug on the coffee table, close to the couch, and took off his coat. He folded it and draped it over the head of an armchair, which was closer to the window. He sat down on that armchair, and took the mug from the table. This way, he was sitting close, but not really, to Dean.

It felt almost surreal, how everything was calm in here. How nothing seemed important outside these walls. This felt right. He felt relaxed and the nervousness from moments ago had vanished. His mind has finally quieted down, considerably.

Castiel sat there for a moment, before he asked, “Why did you invite me over, Dean?”

“It’s been… hard. The past few years, it’s been hard,” Dean said, and Castiel sort of froze. He remained silent as Dean struggled to find word to say what was on his mind. “I’d been going over this whole thing, back and forth, for the last couple of months… or maybe a lot longer, I don’t really know.”

“What are you trying to say, Dean?”

“I’m… I don’t want to hide from you. Not anymore.” And just like that, the coco in his mouth turned into ash, and his body seized up. This was out of nowhere. This was so out of nowhere that he didn’t know what to make of it. “But, I can’t exactly leave her.”

And just like that, Cas was back on Earth again. There was a roaring sound in his ears. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“What you are trying to say, is that, you want to leave her, and come back to me?” Castiel asked. He wanted to hear the words to be said. Out loud. He needed to hear those words, so he’d know what to do with them.

“If you want to put it so bluntly-“

“Dean.”

“Yes,” Dean said. Castiel looked at him sharply; his shoulders were hunched forward, and he was staring at the mug in his hands. “Yeah, Cas. Mr. Novak, I want to come back to you.”

Castiel took yet another deep breath, placed the mug on the table, and stood up. He walked away from Dean and to the window again. Placing one hand on his hip, he ran the other one down his face. He heard the click of the mug being placed on the table and then footsteps, and then he felt a presence behind his back. “I’m guessing this isn’t what you thought the conversation was going to be…”

Castiel snorted, “Yeah, you don’t say.”

“I mean; didn’t you offer it to me?”

Castiel dropped his hand from his face and said, “Yeah. I have offered it.” Castiel rubbed a hand over his face again, and whispered. “Fuck.”

“Look, if you don’t want to help me get out of there, I won’t… I won’t hold it against you.”

“Jesus, Dean,” Castiel turned around only to be faced by a timid looking Dean. “I’m not mad. I don’t think I can ever be mad at you. But you gotta understand; I’m just… I don’t know. I feel relieved, because that’s what I wanted to do from the minute I knew about this whole thing. But I also wasn’t counting on your agreement. I didn’t think of this… further. More than an offer, that is. I didn’t think you’d want to.”

“But I do want to.”

“You’re so hung out on her that I didn’t realize it.”

“I have to be that, or nothing, because if I were to show any sort of disinterest to her she’d-“ Dean cut himself off, as if he was punched in the throat.

“She would, what, Dean?”

“I have given up control to her. All of it. And she… she abuses that power way too much. And… I was an idiot, Cas. I still am, an idiot. She’s wrong for me. I hadn’t realized just how much. But since I saw you that time at the park, and yesterday, too… It was like there was this thing in my chest and head, telling me how much I have fucked up. And I-“ Dean let out a breath, that punched through him. He continued, “And I’m wrong for you. But I want to get out of there. But I can’t. I need someone’s help and I can’t ask my br-Sam. I can’t ask Sam to do it for me again. And you’re the next best thing to help me out. If you won’t, I won’t hold it against you.” Castiel noted how he tried to avoid calling Sam his brother; he let it slide though. They stared at one another, their breathing hard and loud between them. After a moment, Dean said, “Like I said before, Mr. Novak. If you won’t help me, that’s okay. I will… I will find my own way out of there. Out of it all, once and for all. But I thought I’d ask. For now.”

“This is not what I expected to talk to you about, honestly,” Castiel said, shaking his head slightly. “But… Don’t worry about anything. I will… I will help you out. You just need to give me some time for the plan to take action.”

Dean stared at him for a moment, before he nodded. “I… Yeah. I can do that. I can… I can do that.”

“Don’t do anything more stupid, please.” Castiel was a hairspray away from begging this man.

“What do you mean?”

“Drugs,” Castiel replied looking straight into Dean’s eyes. Dean stared back, frozen on spot. They didn’t say anything to each other, and continued to look into each other’s eyes. They kept quiet. Castiel waited out for Dean. And Dean didn’t disappoint.

“You know,” Dean whispered.

Castiel nodded before he said, “I do.”

“How?”

“I have my ways…” And he felt guilty for sort of lying. Implying that he was the one that set his men on Dean’s ass to keep him posted, but it wasn’t his doing. So, he said, “I didn’t know what they were doing. Or they did this. Because I would tell them off… Well, not really.”

“Are you telling me that your men decided to keep tabs on me?” Dean asked. For starters he didn’t sound angry, and he was also smart enough to realize who Castiel meant.

“Yes,” Castiel replied, after a hesitation. He nodded and continued, “So when they told me how you were living your life, I started to plan on how to get you out of…well, all of this.”

“I got in this situation in the first place because of you, though.”

“Sort of, yes. I’m not disagreeing with you, but you are an adult, right? You do make your own decisions. So the last couple of years of decisions that you’ve made, can’t be influenced by me. I won’t allow you to do that,” Castiel replied. He kept the tone of his voice calm and civil, but inside he was burning. He wanted to shout those words at Dean, but he feared that he would get kicked out of here a lot faster. And he wouldn’t be allowed to help out this man.

Dean clenched his jaw, but didn’t disagree. He shook his head and turned away from Castiel. He walked to the coffee table, grabbed their mugs and walked to the adjoined kitchen. “You’re right,” he said as he washed the mugs and placed them to dry. “You are right. But…what I was trying to say is, I wouldn’t be here with her today if I didn’t… if we didn’t break things off. Not in the way that we have.”

“Dean, you knew what I did for life,” Castiel replied, moving towards the kitchen bar. “You knew what I would do to the people who wronged me. You knew what would happen to people who were against me.”

“Yeah, I know that, Cas, I just-“

“You wanted me to quit my life, as if that would ever happen. As if it’s that easy to do,” Castiel said, his voice harsher now than before. “It’s never easy. This life is dangerous. And I know the consequences it brings with it. And how it impacts the people in this life.”

“Cas-“

“I can’t quit this job. I can’t just up and leave. And I can’t retire. Not without leaving all of it to my son, or daughter,” Castiel said, his chest tight with fear and a long lost ache to have that with someone. “But I don’t have any of that, do I? Anna has her own family and her kids to raise. And she’s sworn off to the Galicia, which you already know, since you were there when they got married. Or has that detail escaped your mind?”

“No, it didn’t. I know, Cas, I-“

“I wish I knew how to quit this life,” Castiel said, all the while taking steps closer to where Dean was standing. Until now, he hadn’t realized how close he’s gotten, and how he had cornered Dean by the counter. There was a foot of distance between them, and Castiel looked down at Dean’s open lips. “I wish I knew how to quit you, too.”

“Cas…”

“Dean,” Castiel rumbled, and closed his eyes. “I wish I knew how to quit you, and how to say _no_ to you, but I can’t. I will help you out.” There, he said it. “I’m going to help you out. It’s gonna get ugly, and be ugly. She’ll go after everyone you love and hold dear to you, and she will kill them all, until you’ll return to her. And she will come after me, too. Even if you…” Castiel’s breath shook. “Even if you don’t have feelings for me anymore. She will come after me, and I won’t hesitate to blow her head off of her shoulders.”

“What do you mean I don’t have feelings for you?” Dean said, his voice shaky. Castiel’s eyes snapped open and he stared into the greens of Dean’s eyes. He couldn’t really breath. Did he mean what he has said. Was he… _Did you…_

“Did you mean what you just… What do you mean?”

“I haven’t stopped,” Dean said and his eyes were glistening. “I haven’t stopped, Cas. I don’t think I ever did stop. Even when I left. I never stopped.” He lifted his hands and covered his face with them. His voice muffled when he said, “God. I wish I have stopped. But I didn’t. I have always loved you. Even when you made me go crazy and I wanted nothing else but to wrap my hands around your neck and squeeze you.” Despite the seriousness of the situation, a wet sound left Castiel’s lips. It sounded like a snort, but he was unsure, his mind was preoccupied by Dean. “But my God, Castiel,” he pulled away his hands from his face. “My God, you were, you _are_ one impossible man, but I can’t quit you. I just can’t.”

Castiel didn’t allow him to continue. He moved forward and wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck and pulled him close to him. Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel’s waist and pulled him close to his body. And Castiel felt like he could finally breathe. He could feel the air that left his body, and on inhale, he could feel how his lungs expanded to accept the air in them. He could feel how Dean’s stubble tickled his jaw, and he could feel how much strength he was putting into the hug, and Castiel was a drowning man, and Dean was his salvation. Dean was the man who he wanted right now to pull him up for air. He could feel it all. And, he was a gone man, once more.

* * *

When Castiel returned home, his hand warmed up by the hand he was holding, he couldn’t help, but feel like his heart was going to burst out of his chest. He was going ahead from the plan. He didn’t wait for more information, he didn’t wait for anything, he just grabbed Dean and they were here now. In a way, he has broken his family’s trust and their safe place from everyone.

But then; this was Dean. He wouldn’t tell anyone about this… would he?

Dean made a promise to Castiel. One of those promises that Castiel would prevent, had he known what was Dean going to utter, but he was too late, before Dean said, _“I swear on my daughter’s grave. I’d rather die right now, than give you all away to her.”_

And Castiel had believed him, so here they were. Dean was shaking from head to toe, though. His breathing was shaky, and his hand was shaking in Castiel’s hand, and he looked pale. Because he knew that walking out of his apartment, with Castiel, and coming here like this, was a sure death for them all. But Castiel didn’t mind it. Because he knew that he was going to be ready for her, whenever she’d notice that Dean was gone and she wasn’t going to see him ever again.

He needed to talk to Balthazar.

It was way past midnight when they came back here, but Lora was awake. She was curled up on the sofa, a blanket over her legs, and she had a book open in her lap, while her hands were cradling what seemed to be a mug of tea.

She looked up when Castiel walked further into the living room, and she was going to go back to reading, when she noticed the person standing next to him. She froze, her eyes wide, as she assessed the situation. Dean was standing close to him, their hands holding, and in Castiel’s other hand, was a small carry on, which held some of Dean’s clothes.

“Dean?” she asked, her voice low.

“Hey, Lor.”

She scrambled up from her position, mindlessly placing her mug on the table, and ran to them. She wrapped her arms around Dean’s neck, the impact of her hug, rocking him backwards for a beat, but then he was hugging her back with his free arm. Dean closed his eyes and there was a softness in his face that Castiel missed seeing.

“Oh my God… oh my God! You’re here!” she pulled back and looked at Dean. Her eyes wide with surprise and wonder. And then she looked at Castiel, and shook her head. “You went for him and didn’t even tell anyone?” She didn’t wait for an answer, and then she said, “Holy _fuck_ , you went ahead from the plan!”

“Yes, I have. Where is Balthazar?” Castiel asked, looking around, even though there wasn’t anyone here.

“He went out. I don’t know where he went off to, or if he’s coming back,” Lora replied quickly, shrugging slightly.

“Why are you awake at this hour?” Castiel asked her.

“I couldn’t sleep,” she replied, hesitating. Castiel lifted an eyebrow, and she sighed and added, “I can’t go to sleep while you’re not home.” She shrugged again, and flipped a hand. As if to say it wasn’t a big deal. But it was. It was a very big deal.

“Lor-“ Castiel frowned, but he was silenced as she said, “Well, I’ll go to bed now. Good night!” She hugged Dean again, and he returned it. And then she went to her bedroom, shutting the door after her. Castiel looked after her, at the closed door, a warm feeling in his chest. Lost in thought, he hadn’t realized that he was being dragged to the doors in the hallway, and Dean was asking him something.

“I’m sorry, what?” Castiel asked, snapping back to reality.

Dean gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand; Castiel quickly squeezed his hand back. “I said, where am I sleeping?”

Castiel nodded and walked them to his bedroom. He was the first to go in. He dropped the carry on by the end of the bed and turned around to look at Dean, who was hovering outside of the bedroom door, illuminated by the hallway light. Since it was dark in the bedroom, Castiel couldn’t see his face, so he waited. Castiel stared at Dean, as he stood there, and didn’t make a move, yet. “This your bedroom?” he asked, and then took a step inside.

Castiel nodded and said, “Yeah.”

“No guest bedroom?”

“Every single one of them is occupied by family.”

Dean nodded. He walked inside and closed the door after him. The blinds were drawn, and Castiel walked to the bedside table to flick on the lamp. The bedroom was light enough for Castiel to see Dean’s face as he looked around, now that the lamp was on. “You don’t have much here,” he said, his voice low in a way when people were asleep in a house.

“I don’t want to personalize it,” Castiel said. He sat down on the bed and kept staring at Dean.

“Fair enough,” Dean nodded. He seemed to exhaust the bedroom, from roof to floor, from wall to wall, when his eyes finally fell on Castiel.

Castiel had his coat off, when they first came in to the apartment. So he was in his turtleneck and jeans. Dean’s eyes raked over his body, and Castiel’s inside stirred in interest. But… it would feel wrong to act on those feelings. Not right now. So he stood up from the bed and went to his wardrobe. “I’m going to use the bathroom and get changed there. I hope you’re okay with sleeping in the same bed, as me,” Castiel looked at Dean as he said this.

Dean looked at him and nodded, sort of shrugging as well, “Uh sure… but I uh… no funny business.” He chuckled at the end, with self-consciousness that Castiel haven’t seen in him show before.

“Not a problem,” Castiel replied. He took his pajamas, and walked to the bathroom. He shut the door after him, and locked it for good measure.

Sitting down on the close lid of the toilet, Castiel stared down at his hands and shook his head in disbelief. Castiel knew that he could be irrational and frantic when it came to making some decisions, but this was the stupidest thing he’d ever done for a long, long time.

What the hell was he thinking?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me your thoughts please.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys.  
> So I finally moved to US (yay!!) but I'm still not in a place where I can freely write, yet. I have been working on this chapter for some weeks now, and today I finally sat down and actually finished writing it. I hope you'll like it.
> 
> Again, I apologize for being so slow with my updates. I hate it as much as you all do. Trust me.
> 
> Here's a slightly longer chapter from the ones I have shared already.

When Dean woke up in the morning he felt rested. Safe from his body being numb, and dull with a throbbing pain, his eyes felt like they were burning. But otherwise he felt fine. He was lying down on his side, blinking at the white unfamiliar wall of a bedroom he was sleeping at. Yesterday’s event came back to him slowly, but surely, and soon, he was sitting up in bed and thinking about how fucked up his life had become and how much he fucked up himself.

Swinging his legs off the bed, Dean winced as the bruises and the healing cuts on his body protested the movement. But no matter, this wasn’t something that Dean wasn’t used to. A doze of drugs would help him not to feel some of the pain. “Shit,” Dean whispered as he squeezed his eyes shut; he forgot to take the bag that held his stash. He didn’t think he could sneak out without disturbing anyone, and getting caught.

And he definitely didn’t want to be at the receiving end of Castiel’s disappointed look.

Castiel… the man was as much of a saint now, as he was back then when they were together. He probably had changed from before. Maybe for the worst, then for the best. But then the man came after Dean, so there was some essence of hope?

He looked around the bed and noticed that it was made. Thinking back to last night again, he remembered that Castiel didn’t sleep with him. Not in the bed with him, or with him. Dean didn’t know where Castiel ended up sleeping, and that was not a thought he wanted to have early in the morning anyway. Shaking his head, Dean stood up from the bed, feeling heavy and wanting to get something in his body to be able to face the shitty day he was going to have.

He got dressed in a t-shirt and jeans from the bag he brought with him. Getting his socks on his feet he padded out of the bedroom and made his way to the living room; remembering the way from yesterday. He could hear voices talking to one another. It was easy to pick out Castiel’s deep and heavy voice from the bunch. His was engraved in his head for some reason.

So he walked to the living room to see Castiel standing at the end of a dinner table, Lora sitting on the right side of the table, some men that Dean didn’t recognize around the table, and at the far end of the table was a man called, if Dean remembered him right, Balthazar. He was deep in his phone, typing away something, but then he looked up and Dean was at a receiving end of a gun. Good thing he didn’t pull the trigger, yet.

“Balthazar,” Castiel snapped at him, and Dean held up his hands in a surrendering gesture.

“Dude, chill,” Dean told them both. Castiel was slowly making his way to the corner of the table, to stand in the way of the gun; had Balthazar thought that it’d be a better idea to shoot Dean.

“What’s this git doing here?”

“Oh, come on,” Dean said, while Castiel replied, “I brought him in yesterday.”

“Are you insane?” Balthazar asked, lowering his hand gun, and Dean noticed the others started to relax their stance. Him being here was a big deal to these people, then. He hadn’t realized how much his presence meant to these people here…in a negative way.

“I’m fairly certain my brain cells are still intact, and I haven’t gone mad with time,” Castiel replied coolly.

“You have!” Balthazar exploded. “Are you out of your mind?” he demanded. “He is not supposed to be here. Not right now, anyway! What if she’ll come right now, at this very second?”

“Then we’ll face her,” Castiel said. “She doesn’t scare me.”

“She won’t,” Dean replied quickly. Balthazar, who had his mouth open, ready to reply, snapped it shut and glared at Dean. Dean rolled his eyes and replied, “She’s not, because I’m gonna go back home.”

Castiel turned around and stared at Dean, as if he grew another head, “What are you talking about?”

“Can I talk to you? In private?” Dean asked, as he stared at the others. There was a young boy, that was sitting close to the table. He looked young enough to be a teenager. And Dean had no idea what Castiel had been thinking to recruit this person. But it wasn’t his place to ask such things. So he just ended up glaring at the boy, who quickly turned his stare away, and directed it at the table. Good. Maybe he’ll learn his place.

It didn’t go unnoticed by Dean, when Castiel was going to make his way to Dean, he rested his hand over the boy’s shoulder, and he relaxed in his sit.

Was this Castiel’s new… Dean didn’t even let himself finish that thought.

He wouldn’t put it past the man. And wasn’t that thought a pleasant one?

“Come this way,” Castiel lead the way down the hall and into one of the closed doors, which turned out to be the office. They went inside, and Castiel closed the door after him.

“Who’s the new toy?” okay, that came out not in the way that Dean wanted to ask… and he wasn’t jealous. Nope.

“Sit down, and stop acting like a brat,” Castiel told him. Dean gritted his teeth and stared as Castiel made it to one of the chairs and sat down.

He didn’t say anything, just crossed his legs and looked at Dean. He lifted his left eyebrow and waited for Dean to finally move his butt and sit down. Dean sighed through his nose and walked over to where he was sitting at. Dean sat opposite Castiel, and tried not to glare at him. Well, too much.

“Yesterday, you asked me to get you out of the life you were living. Today, you’re up and about and acting like we have all personally offended you.” Dean twitched a bit but didn’t reply. He knew what was happening to him, but he wasn’t going to crack. “What happened?”

Dean didn’t reply, he just continued to glare at Castiel. Truth was, he didn’t want for Castiel to know what his body was going through. The regret and the shame were starting to get themselves known to him, but he wasn’t going to acknowledge those feelings. “Nothing. I just wanted to let you know, that I’m gonna be leaving soon.”

Castiel frowned at that, and looked down at Dean’s knees. “Why?”

“Because I can’t stay here for long,” he replied with a shrug. “She’ll know that I’m not at home soon, and she’ll send out a search party for me. Which, I know for a fact, will end in blood.”

“Let her come,” Castiel replied. His face taking that determined look that Dean absolutely loved seeing, but at the same time, hated.

He rolled his eyes and said, “Get off your high horse, Cas. We both know you’re not in the right state to be able to protect yourself. Let alone the people you gathered here,” Dean said the last part by indicating at the general way of the living room.

“Every person in there is ready, and will lay down their lives to help me and save me,” Castiel replied, determination still etched on his handsome, and rather old, face.

“Oh I know how much they are willing to lay down in their own pool of blood for _you_ , Mr. Novak,” Dean couldn’t keep out the bite from his voice. He shrugged his shoulders, and said bluntly; “That’s selfish of you, just FYI.”

At once, Dean noticed Castiel’s hackles rice as Dean leaned back in his own chair and crossed his arms over his chest. He didn’t know why he was being such an asshole to the man who was, once again, saving his life from the bad, bad people. Not like he was a Damsel in distress (he totally was) but he knew the only way he could go back to being at least a bit normal was through Castiel’s help. But it seemed like Castiel was going to decline the help he had offered last night.

Jesus, it’s only been a day, a _night¸_ since Castiel made him that offer and here they were already, snapping each other’s necks off.

At once, Dean released the breath of air he’d been holding in his chest he hadn’t realized. He slumped back in his chair and closed his eyes, while shaking his head. It was wrong. All of this was wrong. He didn’t want to be here, but he _needed_ to be here because Castiel was the only person to save him. Castiel was safe.

“I’m sorry,” Dean replied with a sigh.

Castiel only nodded, but stayed quiet. Dean looked at Castiel, feeling out of place. He understood what he had said might’ve hurt Castiel’s feelings but he couldn’t just pretend with Castiel. As if what they did on the daily basis was something to be proud of. Or something to boast about. Dean sat more comfortably on the chair and waited for Castiel to say something.

“Why do you need to leave?” asked Castiel after a long pause.

“Because I can’t really stay here, can I?” he replied. He licked his lips and continued. “I don’t want her anywhere near this place.”

“Scared that she might get hurt?” Castiel asked, tilting his head to the side.

“Actually, scared of her hurting you.”

“She won’t be able to,” Castiel was quick to reply.

“Listen, Cas, I’m not sure you get it,” Dean said, sitting forward as he tried to make Castiel see his point. “I don’t doubt your abilities. I really don’t. But you don’t know how she operates.”

“I know enough about her.”

Dean sighed in frustration and got up from the bed. He looked around the office, taking notice of the books and the shelves around the room. There was a small bar by the corner that had whiskey on it and some glasses. He walked towards it, poured him and Castiel 2 fingers, and looked for the ice. There was a small refrigerator and he squatted down to get it. Once done with that, he walked back to Castiel and gave him his glass. He clicked their glasses together and lifted the glass to his mouth, “Let’s get this going.”

* * *

Castiel sat at the head of the dining table as he looked at the map that was covered in red markers. Dean had marked down every single operating offices that Amara had throughout the city. Some of them were known to Castiel, but the majority of them were unknown places for them. Balthazar sat at the other side of the table, his face drown into a scowl. Lora was sitting at the chair close to Dean; and Alfie was sitting across from him. Dean was standing, though. He was concentrating hard on the map as he marked down another place. “This one isn’t visible. It’s underground. It’s a brothel.”

Alfie was staring at the map with concentration. He was searching for something, it seemed. Half of the map was covered in red. He tilted his head to the side and frowned.

“How often do they check these places?” Castiel asked, his eyes lingering on Alfie a bit longer, then moved up to look at Dean.

Dean thought for a moment, before he shrugged and said, “I can’t really be sure. Because while they do have a schedule, I wasn’t supposed to know it.”

“How come you know the map so well?” Balthazar asked. His distrust visible on the surface.

“Because I, sometimes, would sneak into one of her offices and check the files she had there,” Dean said with a shrug. He seemed to be unbothered by Balthazar’s face. “So I memorized them.”

“Impressive,” Lora said, and Dean smiled down at her. He turned his attention back to the map.

“I’m not supposed to know these things, because I wasn’t allowed in the office and in the meetings,” Dean said, but then he hesitated, before adding, “I wasn’t close to her in the way I was close to you.”

Castiel’s torturous heart galloped in his chest. Dean stared at him a moment longer, before averting his gaze. He continued his work on the map and that was the end of it. Whatever that was.

Hours later, when Dean was done with marking the places, Balthazar rolled up the map and left the apartment to talk to their men about the plan. Castiel stood up and stretched his arms over his head and walked to the kitchen, where Anna was tinkering around. She was making them dinner and it smelled lovely. Lora walked after him. She was close as she whispered, “So are you two back together?”

Castiel turned and looked at her, with a frown on his face, “No.”

“Why not?” she asked, with a frown on her own face.

“Are you seriously asking me that right now?” Castiel grabbed her arm and walked her away from listening ears. He knew that Dean wasn’t close to them to eavesdrop, but he couldn’t be too careful. “He’s damaged.”

“Oh, are you telling me that just because he’s _damaged_ he’s not good enough for you?” Lora hissed at him.

Castiel rolled his eyes and said, “That’s not what I mean, and you know it.” He sighed and raked his hand through his hair. “I can’t make moves toward him, yet. And I don’t know if I even want to.”

“What do you mean?” she asked. “You love him like nobody’s business, and he wouldn’t be here if that were not true.”

“I know,” he nodded. “I know that. But I can’t be with him right now. He won’t be there, mentally, to be with me.”

“Do you think he’ll be too scared to be with you?” and that was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it?

After everything was said and done, and they were free from the Italians, for good, would he want to be with Castiel? Would Castiel want to be with Dean? Was he too hurt from the bitch to be able to be with someone else after the whole thing? Were they ever going to have a normal life, as normal as Castiel’s life was going to get? What was going to happen?

The questions swirled around Castiel’s head throughout the day. They sat for dinner, and everyone was there to enjoy it. Balthazar sat at the end of the table, opposite Castiel. On Castiel’s right was Alfie, and on his left; Dean. And Lora sat beside Dean, and then everyone was sitting around the table. At first, Castiel could feel the tense air surrounding the table and he was, mentally, preparing for the barrage of words being thrown at one another. But, nothing came out.

So Castiel relaxed, eventually. They started to eat and chat to one another and Castiel felt warm inside. This was his family. This was what he wanted to have for years. Have his man beside him, his family sitting with him at the same table as them. Talking and laughing and teasing one another. Castiel was happy.

Dean only spoke once or twice, but he mainly poked around his food. It seemed that he didn’t have an appetite. Castiel wanted nothing more to reach out and touch his hand, but he didn’t. Even though they had touched yesterday, and Dean seemed that he was okay with that sort of touching, Castiel didn’t want to push his luck.

When they finished dinner, and most of the people retreated to their activities, Dean walked away from the table and to Castiel’s bedroom, clicking the door shut behind him. Castiel stared at the place that Dean was sitting moments ago. He felt conflicted by this whole day. First Dean was open and he shared what he knew about the secret offices and marked them down on the map. Next, he was quiet and reserved. He didn’t talk to Castiel much.

He got up from the table, just as Lora started to take care of the dishes, and walked to the bedroom. He contemplated knocking, but didn’t. Instead, he pushed the door open, slowly. Inside, the lights were off, but the street lights from the outside was enough to give the room some light. Dean was sitting at the other side of the bed, staring out the window.

Castiel shut the door behind him and walked to where he was sitting. Once close to Dean, he sat beside him, a few inches of distance between them. Castiel sighed through his nose and relaxed his shoulders.

“Was this day too much for you?”

“I think I’m more confused about the day, than anything else,” Dean said with a low voice.

“Mmm…” Castiel hummed and after a moment, he nodded. “I get it. It’s been a confusing day for me as well.”

“Good thing I’m not the only one,” Dean said with a chuckle.

Castiel smiled thinly at the windows, but stayed quiet. He didn’t know what to say. He felt Dean shuffle at his side; he was restless. His hands wringing and his leg kept bouncing. Castiel once again wanted to reach out and place his hand over Dean’s leg to stop, but he didn’t. Instead, he turned his head and looked at Dean’s profile.

“Dean, are you okay?” he asked in a calm voice.

“My…uh… my drugs are starting to wear off. They have been, for the most part of the day, and I…uh… I’m starting to feel the… you know, the pain.”

It took Castiel a moment to realize what was Dean talking about. He used drugs as a coping mechanism. Coping with the pain he not only emotionally went through, but also from the physical abuse he was getting from his former mistress.

Suddenly, his vision blurred and he blinked away the sorrow he felt at that moment. How much this man, _his_ _boy_ , went through the past few years… He was covered in scars, and Castiel didn’t know anything about it. He didn’t know what Dean’s body looked like these days. And what it looked like today, right at this moment. He wanted to help. He wanted to cradle Dean up in his arms and protect him from everyone and everything. He wanted nothing more than to just take Dean and leave everything behind, and hide him away. But he couldn’t do that. Not now. And he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to do that either.

So instead, he licked his lips and said, “Can I see you?”

Castiel felt Dean tense up as the words left his mouth. He didn’t look at Dean this time. He was staring out the window. It was starting to snow, while they sat there in the silence of the room. Castiel didn’t know how long they sat, but it was probably a long time before it started to snow a bit harder, and Dean shifted in his seat and said.

“You,” he cleared his throat and tried again, “You want to _see_ me?” he asked, his voice a bit gruff.

“I’d like to know what I’m dealing with,” Castiel said, turning his head to look at Dean’s profile. “I’d like to know what you look like these days. And if necessary, have you checked out by my doctor.”

“You don’t have to go through that trouble,” Dean hastily said, hanging his head down, as if he was ashamed.

Castiel’s heart clenched, but he shrugged and said, “It’s not a trouble for me. None at all. I want you to be safe, you hear?” Castiel stood up and turned to stand in front of Dean. He looked down at Dean’s head, and slowly lifted his hand up. He only had to think about it for a second before he placed his hand on top of Dean’s head, and released the breath of air he was holding back through his nose.

Dean’s hair was soft, in the same way as before, and Dean’s reaction to his touch was instantaneous. He leaned up against his hand and turned his head up and stared right into Castiel’s eyes. They were filled with sadness, and he looked somewhat vulnerable like this. But there was something hidden in there that Castiel didn’t think he’d ever see reflected back at him ever again.

Trust. Dean was trusting him again. Or he never stopped trusting Castiel, he wasn’t sure. But it was there. Staring right at him. Castiel swallowed with a click and his hand glided down to Dean’s cheek. He cupped Dean’s cheek and Dean turned his head to lean into his hand; his lips grazing Castiel’s palm. Castiel held back a full body shudder. He caressed his thumb over Dean’s cheekbone and tried to smile down at Dean, but it felt forced. He moved his thumb down and caressed Dean’s lower lip.

But it seemed to be the wrong move to do because Dean closed his eyes and dipped his head down. Castiel’s hand slid down to Dean’s head, but he heard the quiet request loud and clear; there wasn’t going to be anything happening between them. Maybe they were going to be emotionally and mentally closer to one another, but physically was no way that Dean was ready for any of that to happen.

And Castiel knew, for a fact, that whether Dean wanted to have that type of relationship or not, Castiel would still want to have Dean in his life, no matter what. So he just leaned forward and pressed his lips at the top of Dean’s head, and they stayed like that for a while, until Dean was ready to show Castiel his body.

* * *

It’s been a week since Dean had un-officially moved in with Castiel. The first night Dean had slept in Castiel’s bed was just that. The next day, Castiel made a room available for him and since then he’d been sleeping there. The nights weren’t easy to go by, since Dean felt on edge and sort of scared for his wellbeing. He was, of course, concerned about the people in the house as well. So he was going through more sleepless nights than it was healthy.

The other factor of him being moody was the fact that he couldn’t shoot up whenever he wanted to, when the physical pain was too much to go through. Maybe that was also a factor of him having sleepless nights. He didn’t know. Right now, he was sitting in the living room, watching Netflix with a bowl of ice cream in his lap.

Castiel was doing some more planning with his men. Dean didn’t need to be there with them for this, so he was relaxing. He had immersed himself in a new TV show, when his phone pinged with a new message. At first, he ignored it, but when it started to ring again, Dean, groaning and feeling annoyed for being interrupted, dug out his phone from his pocket. He unlocked the screen to see who was bothering him at this hour of the day.

The phone promptly slipped out of his fingers as he scrambled away from it as if it personally offended him. The name on the phone had done that, before, but right now he didn’t know what to do with it. He got up to his feet, and his ruckus probably alerted Castiel because he came to the living room area and stared at Dean with concerned eyes.

“Dean?” he asked, his voice cautious, as it were these days.

Dean shook his head, swallowed and said. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make so much noise.”

“It’s okay,” Castiel said. He looked good. Sinfully good. He was wearing deep purple button down, with black jeans. It hugged his body in all the right places. His hair was stylishly mussed, and his eyes were blue, blue, blue. His face was wrinkled with worry lines, and his lips were parted. They looked dry.

Dean swallowed hard and looked away.

“What happened?” Castiel asked. “Are you okay?”

Dean shook his head, and then nodded. “I’m… I’m okay. But my phone. It rang.” Dean took a deep breath. “It’s her.”

At once, Castiel walked to the couch and looked for the phone. He found it on the ground and walked to take it from the ground. He held it in the palm of his hand and extended his arm toward Dean. “Unlock it, please.”

Dean shaking a bit, reached his hand out and unlocked his screen with his thumb. Instantly, he saw couple of missed texts and about a dozens of missed calls from her. Castiel didn’t allow him to inspect any further, since he snatched the phone and looked into the messages himself. By the minute, Castiel’s jaw clenched, his eyes hardened, his lips pursed.

“What is it?” Dean asked, taking a small step forward.

Castiel shook his head and handed Dean back his phone. “Nothing. She wants you to go to her.”

Dean froze, and a shudder ran through his spine. “Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.”

“Okay.” And just like that, Castiel walked away from Dean.

Dean stared at Castiel’s back and then quickly unlocked his phone to see what he saw that made Castiel look that way. He sighed as he saw the older messages he had to share with her. Mostly on the explicit content, the toys she wanted to use on him when he’d have to go to her… a pic or two of him in a compromising position that she wanted to see. For someone who didn’t care about Dean and his wellbeing, she asked a lot of photo evidences of him being naked.

Dean sighed and shut his phone, without reading her messages. He threw his phone down on the couch and walked to where Castiel was standing at. He hesitated for only a moment, and then said, “Cas?”

His men all turned around to face him, but Castiel didn’t tear his eyes away from the map and some papers that Dean had no idea what they held. He saw Castiel clench his jaw, but only minutely, before he mumbled, “Not now, Dean.”

And that was the end of that.

* * *

Castiel found Dean at the balcony of the apartment. It was extremely cold outside, since it was still snowing. Dean was smoking, since he couldn’t do that inside. Castiel sighed as he leaned against the railing beside Dean. He couldn’t shoot up as he’d like to, so he had started to smoke. His hand was shaking as he lifted it to continue smoking. Dean cast one look at Castiel, but didn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier,” Castiel said.

Dean chuckled, his voice deep. “Nah,” he said, shaking his head. “You’re not.”

“Dean,” Castiel started, but Dean pushed himself away from the railing and looked at Castiel. There was an unreadable emotion in his eyes that Castiel didn’t like seeing.

“You don’t get it, do you?” Dean said. His voice was shaking. “I don’t like being vulnerable. Not around my f-family, not around anyone I know. Not even around you. I don’t like showing weakness. I-I don’t like asking for help. It makes me feel wrong. It makes me feel weak. But when I come to you for something, it’s because I-“

“Dean-“

“I trust you, Castiel. I trust that you won’t turn your back to me. You believe me. You won’t hurt me. You-you will be there for me.”

“Dean, please.”

“No, let me talk,” Dean said, with a shake of his head. His hair was white from the snow. His eyelashes had some snow on them, but they melted away as he blinked, only to be taken by more snow. Castiel swallowed, but nodded. He kept his mouth shut to let Dean speak his mind. He owed him that much… “From the moment I got to know you, or even before that. Probably, I don’t know. But when I started to get to know _you,_ I knew right away that you were different. That you weren’t like one of those idiots I used to be with. Not only as a dom, or a sir, but more as a person. You just… You were so different. Everyone painted you as this bad guy who didn’t listen to reasoning and killed people left and right just for shits and gigs. But they are wrong. You are nothing like that. Now,” Dean took a step close to Castiel. “Now, that you want to help me out with this, I can’t thank you enough. I don’t see you as much anymore, or as frequently as I used to, since you are so busy with taking her down, one by one.” At this Castiel’s heart clenched, because he had thought they were being discreet, but nothing seemed to pass Dean, had it?

“How did you know?” he asked, his voice low.

“You’re not as discreet and quiet about it, as you think you are,” Dean replied with a shrug, as if it didn’t matter. He said so, too. “It doesn’t matter. I want them all dead.”

And he meant every word of that. He looked right into Castiel’s eyes, and Castiel knew that he was giving his permission to go ahead and hurry up with the plan.

“Your wish, is my command,” Castiel replied, as he straightened his spine, and stared right back at Dean.

Dean nodded at him. After a moment, Dean licked his lips and said, “Do you know…”

“Hm?” Castiel asked when Dean fell silent. He seemed to be nervous as he casted a look out into the city. The snow was starting to slow down around them, but it was getting dark by the minute.

“Do you know where he is?”

It took Castiel a moment to realize what he was asking before Castiel frowned and looked down at the ground. He didn’t keep tabs on Sam and his family. Which he should’ve done from the very beginning, but then he didn’t know this was how his life was going to go. So he never thought about keeping a close eye to them. Castiel shook his head and said, “I don’t. But I can get my men to check on them. If you want.”

Dean nodded, without any hesitation. Castiel nodded as well, even though Dean wasn’t looking at him.

* * *

It happened on a Tuesday morning, 3 days later from that conversation. Castiel and Dean were having breakfast, alone in the kitchen, when Dean’s phone chirped. His phone lit up and Castiel managed to see the name of the text message, but he didn’t get to see what was being said. Dean picked up his phone and unlocked it. He grabbed his mug to take a sip of his coffee, but it slipped from his fingers as he continued to stare at his phone. His hand started to shake, his eyes widened…

“Dean?” Castiel asked as he continued to stare at Dean.

“She… she got him.”

“What?” Castiel asked, not trusting what he heard and needing confirmation.

“She has him. I don’t… I don’t know how. Cas? How-“

Castiel grabbed Dean’s phone to look at the message. It read; “ _If you want to see your pretty little brother well and alive, you better come out and play.”_ The image was… disturbing. Sam was tied up. Not in a compromising position. He wasn’t naked either. But it looked that the ropes were too tight on his skin and he looked worse for wear. His eyes were red rimmed, his face sweaty and red. He was beaten up and his clothes were a mess. There was blood everywhere.

The phone buzzed in his hand. A message came through followed closely by a picture. _“They’ll be next.”_

It was taken from afar; There was Jess in a park, her hair up in a ponytail. She seemed to be helping two kids to make a snowman. It looked like the local park from where they lived, but he wasn’t sure.

Castiel grabbed his own phone from his pocket and dialed Balthazar’s number. On second ring, he answered, “Morning, boss.”

“They got Sam Winchester.”

“What?”

“I don’t know the details, but she has him somewhere tied up. I don’t know where that is,” Castiel said, quickly making his way to his bedroom to get re-dressed. “Get about 10 people out to the park, nearest to where they are living to protect Jessica Moore-Winchester. And their 2 children. Do it as fast as you can.”

“I’m already on it, boss,” Balthazar said, and he sounded serious and stressed enough. So Castiel knew he was taking this seriously. “And for the Winchester brother?”

“We can try and-Charlie,” Castiel said, his mind starting to work again, as he grabbed a shirt to put on.

“Boss?”

“Get Charlie here, right now. You go after her.”

“Sir, don’t you think I need to be there?”

“Get. Charlie,” Castiel gritted out through clenched teeth. He ended the call and started to re-dress. Lora and Anna were out for grocery shopping, so he texted them to let them know to be on high alert. He walked to the front door, opened it and found some of his men were there already. They smiled at him for a greeting, but then they froze when they saw his face. “Stay sharp,” he ordered. They nodded and shifted around. At once, some of them got their phones out, and some of them checked their guns. Satisfied by their actions, Castiel snapped the door shut and walked back to the kitchen to check on Dean.

Dean was still standing there, staring down at his hands. He seemed to be in shock. Castiel clenched his teeth, not knowing what his reaction would be if he were to approach. “Dean,” he called out his name.

“You said…” Dean said, but he stopped. He swallowed and shook his head. “No. _I_ asked you to keep an eye on them. Didn’t I?”

“Dean-“

“ _Didn’t I?_ ” Dean asked again, his voice forceful. Castiel’s mouth shut down. He didn’t know what to say. “You even said the most clichéd thing ever,” Dean laughed. It was empty, hollow. “’ _Your wish is my command_ ’ is it? Is it really, Castiel?” Dean turned around look at Castiel. “Why is it that every time I’m around you, something bad happens? Something like _this_ happens?”

“I don’t know,” Castiel replied. Deep down, he had his doubts; he knew that he had a bad luck. He didn’t know where it came from, but he knew that he had a bad luck. People he cared about always wound up hurt, or worse for wear.

“You should know!” Dean yelled at him. “You should fucking know! If something happens to him. If even a hair falls out of his head…”

“Boss…” The front door had opened and Balthazar was there with Charlie, standing behind him with her eyes wide and looked both surprised and terrified. “I got Charlie.”

“Good-“

“You got Charlie?” asked Dean, as if he was unable to wrap his head around what he just heard.

“Hey, Dean. It’s been long t-“

“You got _Charlie?_ You got Charlie involved in your fucked up world? What the actual fuck?” Dean was back to yelling again, his hands pointing at Charlie and then around himself.

“Dean, I need you to calm down,” Castiel said, looking sternly at Dean. He was fine with Dean talking to him however way he wanted when there was only the two of them in a room. But now, they were not alone.

“Calm down? My psycho dom got my brother locked up someplace that no one has any idea where that place is. And you fucking want me to calm the fuck down?” Dean yelled, advancing on him. Castiel heard Charlie squeak, but he was too busy with being backed up against a wall by Dean. His arm was on his chest; his other hand was pushing him back against the wall; his grip was tight on him.

“Hands _off_ , kid,” Balthazar was there with his gun poised against Dean’s head; his hand was steady.

Castiel looked at Balthazar with wide eyes. “What the fuck? Put your gun down. Are you fucking insane?” Had it been someone else, they would’ve been dead by now, but it was Balthazar. His punishment would be much severe. But not right now.

“Step the back off, Dean.” Balthazar kept his gun trained against Dean still.

Castiel didn’t want to force Dean off of him, because he had no idea what would happen next. But he spoke to Balthazar again. Who didn’t move at all.

“Even your fucking men don’t fucking follow your command. You’ve gotten _weak_ , Novak.”

“You got a s-“

“Shut the fuck up Balthazar, and _step back_. I mean it,” Castiel told Balthazar, with a firm tone of voice. It took a few seconds, but Balthazar lowered his gun, but didn’t relax his stance.

Dean snorted, and gave Balthazar a side glance, before his eyes trained back to Castiel. Castiel’s heart raced as he was once again at Dean’s attention. The look in Dean’s eyes were not something Castiel was used to seeing; they were full of hatred and dislike. He felt his heart break once again.

“Find me my brother. I will give you only 24 hours. If you won’t find him, I…” His jaw wobbled. He clenched his jaw and took a deep breath through his nose. He shoved Castiel against the wall, roughly, and then pulled back. Turning his back on Castiel, he walked to Castiel’s bedroom, stepped inside, and snapped the door shut after him.

The three of them stood in a tense silence, but Castiel snapped back to action after he took labored and calculated breaths to calm down. “I need you to track down where this image was sent from, Charlie.” He held out Dean’s phone to Charlie.

Charlie, looking worried and shaken, only nodded and took the phone from his hand.

* * *

Charlie worked her ass off, for couple of hours, but in the end she was satisfied with the final results so she gave Castiel’s men the coordination where the image was sent from. But it wasn’t easy.

“See, I can’t give you only one address.”

“What do you mean?” asked Castiel, frowning.

“She seemed to move from one point to another. I don’t know how she’s done it, but,” Charlie pulled out a map and she placed it on the table. “If I were to mark down the places where she’s sent Sam’s picture from, and also from where she’s been sending these nonstop messages from. I feel like there’s something she’s trying to tell us.”

She took the pen from the table and started to place _X_ ’s on the map. Few seconds later, she stepped back and Castiel looked down at the map.

“Dean…” Castiel breathed out. His name was written out on the map. From where she’d been and texted something to Dean, she’d done it in a way that if they were to track down her number, they’d get the message on the map. “She wants Dean.”

“Seems like it…” Charlie said. She looked just as shaken as Castiel was feeling.

“Then I’ll go to her.”

Both Castiel and Dean turned around to look at Dean, who was standing few feet away from them. He had a gun in his hand; but both of his hands were shaking.

“Dean, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” Castiel said, trying to sound calm.

“Tell me where the last message came from, Charlie,” Dean said, not even acknowledging Castiel. Which was fine with him, but he wasn’t going to allow Dean to leave when he looked like he was going to be on the verge of a breakdown.

“I know you want to help. I know how much this means to you. And I know you want to be involved in this, but I can’t let you do that,” Castiel said, taking a step closer to Dean.

“Do you now?” Dean snapped at him, but still standing calmly on the side.

“Yeah, I do. That’s why, my men are out there now, going after Sam. And then they’re going to take him to the hospital, to get him checked.”

“I want to see him myself.”

“And you will,” Castiel assured him quickly. “You _will_. But what good are you for him, if you’ll wound up dead? Or worse than dead?”

“It’ll mean I tried to do something,” Dean replied back.

“I know exactly what you mean. I know, Dean,” Castiel said, taking another step closer. “It feels like you’re helpless right now, right? Feel like you can’t do anything but just stand there.”

“I just want him safe,” Dean said, his voice shaking.

“I know,” Castiel whispered, now being closer to Dean. “Trust me… I know you used to trust me back then way more than you do right now. Even though you said you trust me now, again, I don’t feel like that was the truth, right?” At this Dean didn’t answer to him, but he let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding back. “But trust me when I tell you that Sammy’s going to be back home with his family in no time. Okay?”

Dean stared at him, and for the first time during the day, Dean’s eyes weren’t filled with hatred, but more of softness and undeniable trust. Castiel breathed out easily, and he reached his hand out to get the gun from Dean. And the next thing Castiel knew, he was hugging Dean close to his chest with only his one arm wrapped around Dean’s shoulder. Dean took a shaky breath, but he didn’t release his hold on Castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me your thoughts!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You gotta be shitting me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I have a big ass writer's block for several months now, but I managed to squeeze this out! Yay me.

The thing that frustrated Castiel the most was the fact that they couldn't find Sam anywhere. They had torn down the safe houses and the warehouses that Charlie had pointed out on the map, and Dean described them as best as he could, but there was nothing in them. Not even her men were in sight. It was clean.

It was too clean and Castiel didn't like it.

So it made him angry and irritated. Dean was avoiding him; which meant that he would be at the other end of the apartment. He would silently glare at Castiel and his men as they tried to come up with plans on what to do and how to approach this situation. Castiel knew that their final plan would have to be the penthouse, where she lived, but Castiel didn't want to touch that yet.

He needed to be sure that the places she pointed before were deserted before he'd go with that final plan.

The tremors in his left arm weren't helping the matter either. He'd see his own doctor about twice a week now. And every time his doctor would give him more medicine to take care of the tremors. They both knew what it meant, and he had to go through in order to stop it, but he couldn't afford that distraction. He had more important things to take care of.

"What's wrong?" he heard Dean ask him, as Castiel let the doctor go.

Castiel took his time with his answer. He didn't want to tell Dean about his sickness. A part of his mind didn't want for Dean to know and another part of him knew that Dean would start worrying about him. Obsessively worry about him. Castiel turned away from the door and looked at Dean, who was leaning against the wall, five feet away from him. He was wearing sweats and a green t-shirt. He looked soft in the afternoon light. It was raining nonstop from the night before. "I see my doctors more these days than I used to."

Dean frowned up at him, his lips turning down the corners. "Why?"

Castiel sighed and tried to walk past him, but couldn't. Dean stepped in front of him and held up a hand to stop him. "What?" Castiel asked, and he tried not to snap. He was feeling tired already.

"Why do you have to see your doctors so much?" he asked. "What's wrong?"

"Not that it's any of your concern," Castiel said. "But, I've been having some health issues recently, and I need to be monitored more by them."

"What health issues?" Dean's frown only deepened.

"I can't tell you," Castiel replied. "Sorry."

"Is it something big?"

Castiel hesitated and looked at Dean, really looked at him. He looked just as exhausted as Castiel felt. There were bags underneath his eyes. There were frown lines on his forehead that Castiel hasn't seen before. "Yeah," he finally replied but didn't elaborate.

Dean continued to stare at him, and after a moment, he looked down and nodded. He stepped away from Castiel and walked off in the direction of Castiel's bedroom. Castiel took a deep and shuddering breath and tried not to think about how awkward and stretched their conversations had become. How bone-tiring it was to hold any sort of conversation with the man he loved. Shaking his head, he walked to his office and clicked the door shut after him.

* * *

_Castiel's mother was found dead in one of the stores she frequented with her best friends. She was killed point-blank, on the forehead, in the changing room, wearing nothing but white lingerie. Castiel remembered the details because he was much older now. He was 15. And he accompanied his father anywhere he went. Gabriel was the unruly child that no one managed to tame, Anna wasn't involved too much in the family business, and they kept their distance from Lucifer these days._

_But Castiel was his father's favorite. So when they broke the news to his father, Castiel was there to hear the details, and it stayed with him. They found her in the changing room, half-naked, with her eyes wide open, blood splattered everywhere, on her skin, on her lingerie, on the white walls of the changing room. In her eyeballs. Blood everywhere. In her chocolate brown hair._

_The funeral took place on a sunny spring day, and everyone was invited. Not the Italians. Castiel, in secret, knew that his father and Bartholomew were friends. In reality, they were sworn enemies and wanted each other dead. Castiel never understood the dynamics of their friendship, but Castiel was supposed to be one of the people who knew nothing about it, so he didn't question it._

_At the funeral, Castiel was standing to his father's right side, Gabriel on Castiel's right, and Anna on his. Lucifer wasn't with them. People came to give their condolences to his father, and then to him. The men shook hands, and the women hugged Anna. Castiel tuned down what they were telling them. He didn't need to know that. It was pointless. His mother was killed, and they were concerned about how they were going to be raised now with a single father._

_He didn't care about that._

_A few days later, he was woken up by his father. "It's time." He said, and Castiel instantly knew what he meant. He nodded and got up the bed. He got ready in a suit, just like his father taught him. All black, with gun resisting material, and leather shoes with a leather belt on his waist. He looked at his young face in the mirror and walked out of the door._

_The young boy he saw in the mirror stayed in the mirror._

_A few minutes later, they left the house. It was too early in the day, but that's how they operated. They went to a warehouse where his father's men were waiting for them. Inside, there was a chair and a man was blindfolded and tied up to it. He was a bit older than his father, and he was very quiet. His father spoke to his men, but Castiel wasn't listening to what he was saying. His eyes were trained on the man on the chair._

_A few minutes later, a gun was shoved at him and he mindlessly aimed it at the man, because his father told him so. He aimed the gun and pulled the trigger without asking his father why he had to kill the man._

_Once he stopped shooting; one on the head, and another on the chest, close to the heart, his father took the gun from him and clapped him on his back. "Congratulations son, you just killed the man who shot your mother."_

_Castiel didn't know what to feel at that moment._

_Everything was done so cold and heartless that Castiel didn't know how to react. So he only nodded, and said, "Yes, father." And that was the end of it._

_A few days passed by and his father called him to his study. Castiel went in and waited for his father to speak. "The Italian family has been around since I was a boy, younger than you are today, Castiel." His father said, without looking at him, he was nursing a tumbler of whiskey, the family ring catching the sun from the windows. Castiel stared at the ring, his mind blank. "We know who was really behind your mother's death," he continued. "I'm going to wipe out that son of a bitch from this planet. And you are going to help me do that."_

_"Yes, father," Castiel agreed._

_From then on Bartholomew was his father's number 1 enemy, and his father managed to get ahold of him in one of his bars. Where he slaughtered him and his men till the place was covered in blood and dead bodies. There were some casualties, and Castiel has never seen anything like it before. It scared him enough to keep him awake for months. But it made him stronger and he never looked back on it._

* * *

The search for the boy continued for a couple of days more. Castiel didn't sleep on those days. He was constantly working hard with his men to locate. Whenever they thought they were close to him, he would get snatched away from them. It was like trying to catch a mist. He just hoped that they wouldn't be too late.

Jessica and the kids were safe for now. Even though they didn't know what was happening. Castiel's men made sure to cover up Sam's tracks well. She got mail from Sam's account, thanks to Charlie hacking into his mail, saying that he got pulled into an emergency case in Europe so he had to leave quickly. He didn't have time to say goodbye to them. Jessica bought the story.

Castiel didn't think she would, but she did. She was probably busy raising their two children. Dean had yelled at him for this decision until his voice cracked, but Castiel didn't say anything, and he silently took that anger in. His men didn't have anything to say about this.

"You're getting weak in their eyes," Balthazar had said after that, but Castiel ignored him.

He knew that he was letting his men down by being this way, but he didn't have any other choice. This was, after all, his fault. And Dean had every right to behave this way.

Things started to go downhill, after a couple of days of searching for Sam. It was Monday morning and the bell rang. Lora went to answer the door and found a box on the matt. She grabbed it, and read what was on the box. "Mr. Novak? There is a box for you. I don't know what's inside."

Castiel was sitting on the high end of the dining table, with his glasses perched on his nose, as he looked down at the map on the table. He looked up at her and frowned. He wasn't expecting anything. "Thank you," he said, grabbing the box from her. Lora stayed by his side as he looked at it. It was a black box, with a blue bow on top. The card on it only said, "To Castiel." And nothing else. His men probably checked the box and they deemed it to be safe to let it be placed on the doorstep. Not thinking more of it, he opened the lid and after a split second, he closed his eyes and dropped the lid on top of the box. Lora's sharp intake of breath and the way she moved back from the table indicated that she had seen what was inside.

"Oh God," she said, her words muffled since she was covering her mouth with her hand. "Is that… is that what I think it is?"

"I'm afraid so," Castiel said. He grabbed his phone and rang Balthazar in.

He showed up a few minutes later. "What's up, boss?"

Castiel leaned back against the chair and sighed. "She sent us a message," he said and pointed at the box.

"Don't tell me it's a finger," Balthazar said, with a groan.

"Wouldn't lie if I wanted to."

"Damn it," Balthazar sighed and rubbed at his chin. "How did it get here?"

"Someone probably let them through," Castiel sighed again and shook his head.

"I'll check the footage," Balthazar said. "This shouldn't have happened in the first place."

"The severing of a limb, or the fact that your men are incompetent enough to not let through a box?" Castiel's voice sounded resigned even to his ears.

Balthazar stared at him for a moment and then said, slowly, "As I said, you're becoming weak for them."

"So they will endanger not only my life but theirs, too?" he said. "And hers too?" he added, while pointing a finger at Lora; who looked worried by this sudden turn of events.

"Presumably, yes."

"You should leave," Castiel told Lora. "You should leave before something else happens to this place."

"I won't," Lora replied with a determination etched on her face. "I've been working for you for… I don't even remember how long. You're my family now. I won't leave you, even if you forced me out of the door."

Castiel didn't know what to reply to her, so he kept his mouth shut. Moved beyond words by what she said. He didn't know what he could do to make it better with his men… He didn't want them to hate him, or endanger anyone's lives while they were supposed to protect them. He turned to Balthazar and said, "Please, bring them here."

Balthazar nodded and walked out of the apartment to get their men. Lora excused herself to her bedroom, not wanting to witness the display that was going to take place soon. Castiel sighed and sat properly on the chair. He was tired. He was too old for this already and he was tired. He had been trying to be a better boss for them, and to maintain a personal life, and to keep afloat even when everything was falling apart, but now, he was sure of it, he couldn't have one thing while the other was in crumbles.

Balthazar was back with their men. Some of them looked nervous, the others looked determined. "Thank you for agreeing to come here," Castiel said. They grunted a reply to him. "Please, sit." He gestured at the table, and they all sat down. Castiel waited for them to get comfortable before he started.

"I got a package today, which held a severed finger inside of it. We all know whose finger it is, correct?" Castiel looked at them indifferently. They kept quiet. "Now, we all know why we are all stressed out these days, and why I am the way I am these days… We don't need to go over those points, I assume." Nobody said anything to that. "What bothers me the most, isn't the stress that I put all of us under. What bothers me the most is the blatant negligence of endangering everyone's lives on this apartment, yours as well, for the box to cross that threshold without being thoroughly investigated by you." At this, he pointed at everyone in the room.

"You made sure that this came to me, without even checking what's in it. You made sure that this reached me. You made sure that I should be the one to open the goddamn box with Sam Winchester's finger in it!" he yelled the last part at them. He noted that some of them flinched back. "I don't care that you hate me. It's not my job to hold your hand as you cry about how your boss doesn't take care of his men as he should. But it is my job to make sure that my men have the same respect for me as they had all this time you worked for me. I have nothing but respect for each and every one of you in this room, and more. I have never turned my back on any of you when you came to me for help, be it emotional support or financial one. I have never disrespected you in any way. And this is your repayment?" He sighed through his nose, trying to hold back his anger, as much as he could. "I need you to do better than what happened today. I need you to be firmer with your authorities on what's happening around us. I need you to enforce your men to find Sam goddamn Winchester as fast as they could, or so help me God I'll turn you into meat for street dogs. You're all fucking dismissed."

They all stood up and quietly left. Balthazar was the last one to leave, casting him an amused look and raised an eyebrow as he did so. As soon as the door closed after them, Castiel's left arm started to shake and he tried to breathe through the pain in his chest.

"Not now," he whispered to himself as he breathed slowly, in and out his lips. "Not today."

After weeks of searching the Winchester boy, they locate him in a park, looking good as new. The only thing that was missing from him was his finger.

That night, Castiel thrashed out his office. Once he was done, breathing heavily, he felt a presence behind his back. He turned around and looked at the half-open door, where Dean stood, staring right back at him. Castiel turned his back on him and didn't say anything.

They had nothing to tell each other.

* * *

Castiel didn't tell Dean about the finger. He didn't know how he could approach that and not get hit in the face by Dean, so he kept his distance. Dean was in a quiet funk, but he was lurking around the corners to eavesdrop on Castiel's conversations with his men and Balthazar.

And then one day, Balthazar burst through the doors and fast-walked to Castiel, looking wide-eyed with excitement. "We got him!" he said, and Castiel stood up, his heart beating fast in his ribcage. "We found the Winchester brother."

"Where's he now?"

"He's seeing our doctor right now. Pretty pissed off, and freakishly strong," Balthazar rubbed at his jaw as he said it, and that's when Castiel noticed the red bruising on his chin.

"Okay. I'll go get Dean, and we'll go see him."

Castiel didn't wait for a reply as he went to the living room, where Dean was napping. As Castiel approached, he noticed that Dean was covered in a fine sheen of sweat. On top of everything else that was happening, Dean was starting to get a withdrawal from not using drugs so much these days. He told Castiel he wasn't an addict, and it wouldn't take him long to get over it, but the side-effects that he was having were telling him a different story.

He knelt beside the couch and stared at Dean for a moment. He looked at his worrisome face; his eyebrows were scrunched up, and his lips were pursed in a firm line. His body was curled into a tight ball of stress and there was a visible shake running through his body.

Hating himself for waking Dean up Castiel tentatively placed his hand on top of Dean's shoulder and shook him. It took him a few seconds, but then Dean's eyes snapped open, and he stared at Castiel with blank eyes. A few moments of staring later, his expression cleared and he sat up. "What's wrong?" his voice sounded croaky.

"We got Sam. He's seeing our doctor right now, but he's doing fine," Castiel said as he sat back on his heels.

Dean was silent; he didn't say a word as he continued to stare at Castiel with the same face when he woke up. But then slowly, he started to nod. "Okay," he said and kept on nodding. "Okay. That's good news. That's a… that's good news. Right?"

"Of course," Castiel replied, his forehead creasing with a frown. "Do you want to go and… see him?"

Dean let out a shaky breath and said, "No."

"No?"

"Nope." He shook his head. "Just make sure he gets home safe and that his story matches to whatever bullshit story you told Jessica."

Castiel hesitated, but he stood up with a nod. Before he left Dean on the couch, he turned and asked, "Are you sure?"

Dean nodded and said, "Yeah. Positive. Thank you."

"Alright," Castiel left Dean sitting on the couch.

Castiel went to his bedroom, grabbed his suit jacket, and left the apartment. Balthazar and his men were waiting for him as he got down to the ground floor. Balthazar indicated his men to go to their cars, while he opened the door for Castiel to get in. Alfie was his chauffeur for the trip. He was quiet all the way to his doctor's house. Castiel made a mental note to have a word with him.

Getting to his doctor took them about 10 minutes of ride time. When they got there, the streets were deserted only for the people walking their dogs. It was odd to have the streets to be so quiet. Making his way to the townhouse, Castiel looked around. He felt a little uneasy, but he shook off the feeling. Knocking the front door, it took about a minute of waiting patiently for the doors to open. He was led inside and up the stairs to the second floor of the house where his doctor's office was situated at.

"Mr. Novak, thank you for coming in."

"Of course. Where's he?" Castiel asked as he shook the doctor's hand.

"Uh, this way, please," the doctor led him inside another room where Sam was sitting up on the bed.

He was leaning up against the headboard, with his eyes closed. His hand and torso were wrapped up, but other than that he looked alright. Not good, but alright all the same. Even if he looked fine, Castiel felt like shit. This whole thing happened because of him and Dean. Sighing he approached the bed, and as he did, Sam's eyes fluttered open. He looked at Castiel in the same way as Dean had stared at him when he woke him up today.

"How are you feeling?" Castiel asked, standing at the foot of the bed.

"How do you think I feel?" came Sam's reply.

"I know that my apology will mean nothing to you since it won't take back what happened to you all this time, but… Sam, I really am sorry for what happened to you," Castiel said, sounding as sincere as he could. "All of this is my fault."

"You are goddamn right it is your fault," Sam spat at him. Castiel frowned and looked down at his hand. "For the last couple of years, I spent a good time of my life trying to forget about your existence, which, by the way, is very hard to do when I knew for a fact that you had your people look after us. Also, they've been doing very badly at it. You might want to reconsider getting people who would be subtle at that!"

"Duly noted," Castiel mumbled.

Sam gave him a bitch face. "And then, this happens to me. Because I'm having a wild guess here, it was because you did something to them and they didn't like."

"Dean got back in the scene and his new _Master_ , well, _Mistress_ , in this case, was Amara."

"You gotta be shitting me… I thought he was out."

"I thought so too. But I guess he wasn't," They were silent for a while. Sam was staring down at his covered hand with a distance look on his face. Castiel waited a moment longer before he asked. "Can you tell me what happened while you were captured?"

Sam was quiet for a moment before he sighed and said, "What would you like to know?"

"Everything. But if it will be too hard for you to go through all of that, please tell me general stuff… Like, where were you held?"

"In her apartment, I think," Sam said with a frown. "I could hear her a lot on most days, so I guess I was there. I was moved from point to another point a lot when they first captured me, I never knew why. But then one day, I woke up in this… bedroom, I guess. And I stayed there for some time. And then yesterday, or was it today? I don't know. They moved me to this warehouse and that's where your men came for me…" Sam got this faraway look on his face, as he added, "Come think of it, your men are actually good at something. And that's killing other people." Sam closed his eyes and shook his head, as he sighed. "Anyway, the next thing I know I'm being moved again, but this time there was this blond-haired man, with a British accent, telling me that I'm safe now."

"That's Balthazar," Castiel said. And then added, "He's my right hand."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry for what they did to you."

"I'll live," Sam replied.

Castiel sighed and pushed away from the bed. He walked to the window on the right side of the room to look outside. His men were spread out and keeping a close eye on the street and the building surrounding the area. "You do know I'm going to revenge this whole incident, right?"

Sam snorted and said, "It wouldn't be right if you didn't." Castiel's lips twitched up into a half-smile. His facial muscles strained under the pressure. It felt almost like years had passed from his last smile.

"Sam, do you know where she is now?"

"I already told Balthazar everything I know. Which isn't much, but he said it's enough to track her down."

Sighing, Castiel's face turned back to a neutral expression, and he turned away from the windows. "Any information is vital for us to track her down and be done with this whole thing." Sam nodded, his frown going deeper.

"Well, I better get going. I wish you good health, Sam Winchester," Castiel moved to get out of the room when Sam's voice stopped him.

"Hey, Mr. Novak?" He turned to look at Sam. "Is he… Is Dean safe now?"

"He's with me," was Castiel's only reply.

"Okay. Is he okay?"

Castiel hesitated, thinking back on how he looked when Castiel left him today. "He will be."

Sam nodded, and said, "Thank you for looking after him."

Castiel's reply was a nod back at Sam. And then he left the townhouse, and into his car. They had work to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment as to what you think of the chapter :)


End file.
